Starting to Remember...

There was a time, not so long ago, that I felt so in sync with the Lord.  We jived well; we talked non stop; I felt so secure and soaring on wings of Eagles was real to me but then something happened.  Hurt hit hard, like a tsunami without any warning, washing away EVERYTHING and unfortunately my faith was swept out to sea in the undertow.  I didn't even realize it had left.  I felt I was still walking with the Lord, seeking his will, but now there was this block, this feeling like we were not connecting and it was aggravating me to no end.   My peace was gone, my joy had melted, and a child-like helplessness had replaced it all but I could not for the life of me figure out why I could not fix it...until now.  It was fear all along.  The devastation of the storm and the vision of the shredded aftermath sent me into this indescribable state of mind that was all about self preservation and it's as if I suffered some kind of amnesia as well, unable to remember what Christ could do, what he had already done for me. The scary thing is and I mean really scary, was that I was COMPLETELY  unaware of what I was doing or what was going on.  I would fight you tooth and nail if you told me I wasn't trusting the Lord and I would win the fight too by quoting scriptures, prayers, revelations but then when I walked away, I still felt so very distant from him.

When God told me that I was suppose to let go of fear for lent, I had no idea what he was up to.  I thought, "Huh, how hard could that be?...ok!"  But then, as I have already told you, I realized it wasn't so easy and why wasn't it when I thought I had already been trusting in the Lord?  Control!  Control is another big suitcase in that "inability baggage"  I talked about earlier.  It's the inability to allow God to have control because of fear.  God has shown me that I try to control a lot and anytime a situation has come up this week he bluntly but ever so gently says, "See...your doing it again.  Give it to me, come on, give it here.  I will take better care of it than you can and then you don't have to worry about it."  Phew...that has been hard.  I have kicked and screamed like a child not getting his way but you know what, my Abba just sits down beside me on floor where I am pitching my fit and says, "I know sweet girl, you've been through so much, and it hurts me more than you know but if you will just let me have control, you will not have to be burdened with it any longer and you and I can laugh and play together...again."  Again?  Again?  Oh yeah, I remember those days now.  I remember that freedom, that joy, that love.  How I have missed it.  How did I let it slip away?  "Yes Abba, yes.  Take it!  Let's dance together...AGAIN!"

It's all coming back to me now, but somehow it feels a little sweeter than it did the last time and I am looking forward to what is to come and learning again how to trust in our God.  Thank you Lord.  I love you!