So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered. (Genesis 32: 24-27)
I have read this story often and always thought it amazing that God gave Jacob such an experience but as I was asked to look deeper into the story (by God via a book I am reading), tears overwhelmed me at the question the Lord asks Jacob. "What is your name?" Who are you? Are you what I intended you to be? As I squirmed in my chair, not really wanting to reply, I wonder if Jacob felt the same way. My answer went something like this. "I am Joy and no, I am not who you intended for me to be. I have grabbed hold of world's ways instead of finding my identity in you. I am angry and bitter and unhappy in my circumstance. I have been betrayed and unforgiving. I am fearful of becoming vulnerable and have not trusted you with my whole heart." The answer given here was not always given all at once, or the same things everytime (depending on what my trial was at the time) but none the less it is often the answer that the mirror shows.
Thankfully, The Lord, my Abba, the lover of my soul did not let go of me, nor will He ever, without giving a blessing upon my head, a new piece of truth that shows me that my name is changed. I am no longer Joy the betrayed, the angry, the daughter of sin but instead JOY, the daughter of the Savior, the beautiful, the forgiven, the lovely, the one made perfect through the love of Christ. The Lord always finds me as perfect as I sit at His feet. It is in my forgetting that He has to remind me and He never seems to grow tired of doing so.
Who are you? Continue to wrestle with Him as Jacob did, never letting go until He delivers you into a new name. A name that reflects your true identity in Him. He loves you. He is not angry with you and He will never leave nor forsake you.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Being Exposed
"A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well." The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with.
At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5: 25-34)
There is something about this story that grips me to my core. Everytime I read it, or hear it, a lump developes in my throut that is tough to swallow down. It's in the Lord's asking, "Who touched me?" This woman, who has tried to remain hidden, find healing in the shadows of a crowd, is about to be exposed. I imagine that she went into the crowd on her knees, crawling in the dirt, trying to be as tiny as possible because that was the way she felt within...unclean, unworthy, filthy even to the core, but upon recieving what she had put all her faith in by just reaching out and touching the hem of his cloak, I imagine her springing to her feet, relieved, thankful, and whole. But as soon as Christ asked, "Who touched me?" I can almost hear her heart pounding through the pages and the worried thoughts running through her mind, "What will the crowd think of me if they find out what I was? What will they do to me? Is this my consequence for trying to sneak a blessing?"
I suppose it grabs me so because I too have faced exposure on several accounts. Some the Lord prepared me for and others were brought on like this bleeding woman in the story...just a face in the crowd of a congregation, listening to the word of the Lord, recieving healing in secret there in my chair only for the Lord to have my Bishop point to me and ask me to come and kneel to reveal my pain and afflictions to him and others standing around. I have had those thoughts of worry and feelings of faintedness as I would confess who I "really" was. I had wondered how I would be judged and if others could find something to love after knowing the truth or if one by one they would gather up their stones. Scary as it was, I stepped out on faith and shared my story. I wish I could say that all of those who heard acted according the Christ's word, but the truth is that some did pick up their stones, some acted like I did have the plague, and through the love of Jesus, some are my closest friends today. Regardless of the friendships I lost or gained, what mattered more to me on the days of my exposure was that my faith healed me. I walked away clean, restored, and renewed in Christ Jesus.
We often fear the judging of others more than we want to recieve healing, so we remain hidden. It's time we just reach out on faith and grab onto the hem of Jesus's cloak. Our reward will be greater than anything we can ever imagine.
At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5: 25-34)
There is something about this story that grips me to my core. Everytime I read it, or hear it, a lump developes in my throut that is tough to swallow down. It's in the Lord's asking, "Who touched me?" This woman, who has tried to remain hidden, find healing in the shadows of a crowd, is about to be exposed. I imagine that she went into the crowd on her knees, crawling in the dirt, trying to be as tiny as possible because that was the way she felt within...unclean, unworthy, filthy even to the core, but upon recieving what she had put all her faith in by just reaching out and touching the hem of his cloak, I imagine her springing to her feet, relieved, thankful, and whole. But as soon as Christ asked, "Who touched me?" I can almost hear her heart pounding through the pages and the worried thoughts running through her mind, "What will the crowd think of me if they find out what I was? What will they do to me? Is this my consequence for trying to sneak a blessing?"
I suppose it grabs me so because I too have faced exposure on several accounts. Some the Lord prepared me for and others were brought on like this bleeding woman in the story...just a face in the crowd of a congregation, listening to the word of the Lord, recieving healing in secret there in my chair only for the Lord to have my Bishop point to me and ask me to come and kneel to reveal my pain and afflictions to him and others standing around. I have had those thoughts of worry and feelings of faintedness as I would confess who I "really" was. I had wondered how I would be judged and if others could find something to love after knowing the truth or if one by one they would gather up their stones. Scary as it was, I stepped out on faith and shared my story. I wish I could say that all of those who heard acted according the Christ's word, but the truth is that some did pick up their stones, some acted like I did have the plague, and through the love of Jesus, some are my closest friends today. Regardless of the friendships I lost or gained, what mattered more to me on the days of my exposure was that my faith healed me. I walked away clean, restored, and renewed in Christ Jesus.
We often fear the judging of others more than we want to recieve healing, so we remain hidden. It's time we just reach out on faith and grab onto the hem of Jesus's cloak. Our reward will be greater than anything we can ever imagine.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Beast that is a Marathon
Every thing that could have gone hay wire did just that. We had prepped and planned for 5 months straight to run this marathon but nothing could have prepared us for what we were about to experience.
First what should have been a nice scenic 4 hour drive to our hotel turned into a total of 10 hours before we actually reached our hotel. The details include sitting in traffic for an hour and a half in Forsyth due to road workers sitting around chatting and laughing at us travelers as we crept by. (No one knows for sure what they were SUPPOSED to be doing besides causing lots of road rage.) Once we finally got past all that mess and hurried down to our hotel's exit, we decided to just go straight on to the Savannah Convention Center to pick up our packets. Apparently the beautiful city of Savannah thought it would be a fun little practical joke to play on all us 23,000 runners to have us pick up our packets in a place that was built on an island, meaning only one way on and on way off by means of a 2 lane bridge. Needless to say, more traffic, more stress (the packet pick up would be closing soon) and wondering if a bridge can hold that many passangers is not a nice thought to have as you feel it's bouncing movement. Oh, did I mention our gas light was blinding us with a beaming reminder that it's almost empty, but we finally made it.
After receiving our packets and being shoved out of the expo by the venders who were ready to go home, we headed back to our cars, which were parked what felt like 2 miles away when you are walking around in 4 inch heels (a decision I deeply regretted once the hike started.) We had worked up quite an appetite after all the walking and stress, so we chose a place to grab a bite. Andi, Christi, and I each got in our individual cars with our wonderful husbands that we so loveingly dragged along and headed out. The restaurant we picked was right in front of our hotel. After finding a gas station, Andi texted me saying she wanted to check into the hotel first so we all agreed. Her and Sean reached the hotel first to which we soon found out that they were not at the same Fairfield Inn that Christi and I were at. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! After the fire from our ears turned to smoke, we still decided to eat at the place in front of mine and Christi's hotel. We were able to find a few laughs in the highly stressful day and made plans on how to meet in the morning and went our seperate ways to try and get some sleep.
The following morning, I woke up in a panic; looked at the clock to realize I had slept in 30 minutes past the time I was suppose to get up. After getting ready in a hurry, braiding Christi's hair, her braiding mine and poor Andi waiting as patiently as an angel, we got in the car to head to the Savannah mall where the shuttle bus was to pick us up and take us to the start line. Oooooffffff course we sat in traffic on our way there and quickly discovered once we pulled into the parking lot that EVERYONE else thought this would be the quickest way to get to the race as well. The lines (and yes I mean lineS, there were about 10 in all) to get on the buses where each at least 100 yards long. The gun shot for the race to start would be resounding in about 45 minutes and we saw no way that we would make it on time. You could hear the anger and frustration in the voices around us. This was not well thought out by the city of Savannah. Finally someone called in all the buses and shuttles the city had and we were able to make it on one...an open air one...with plastic covering the windows...in 32 degree weather...we were FREEZING!!!
Arriving to the start line 32 mins late, we were finally on our way. Aaahhh, we made it. Time to relax...I mean race. We past miles 1-5 in a hurry, shuffling through the massive crowds, trying to stay together and then something happened. A water station appeared and we all made our way to it, fighting to get water and when Christi and I turned around to look for Andi, we had lost her. Where did she go? On we ran, looking through the runners trying to find her but she was no where in sight. We hoped she had taken off to meet her goal of finishing the race an hour faster than us and so we didn't worry too much. We later found out that she too, got water, looked around and couldn't find us. The crowds had swept us apart like a vicious tide and we just had to go with it.
As the miles went on, we enjoyed some beautiful scenery and some not so beautiful (i.e. 6 miles of the 516 interstate) but the coolest thing ever was meeting an angel. No, I was not delusional; then again, maybe I was. It was about mile 20. My knees where killing me and Christi suggested that I stop at the medic station right in front of us and get some pain medicine. I waved her off and decided to just push through and keep going. Not ten feet up, we came up on a woman who turned to me and said, "Do you need some Advil?" "No, thank you," I replied, "I can't take anything like that without water. "I have water too," she said as she pulled out a bottle from her fanny pack. "Oh! Ok, I suppose I will then." I took the medicine from her hand and drank some of her water. "Now, here are some cookies. You can't take that medicine without any food." she said as she handed me a handful of animal crackers. "Is this your first marathon?" she asked. "Yes ma'am, it is." I answered. "This is my 117th. Believe me, you girls look much more impressive than I did on my first one." And with that she was off, disappearing in the distance, leaving me and Christi in bewilderment. It was totally AWESOME!!! We were so close to the end and Christi was so strong for me as I wanted to just give up and walk. She kept me moving and motivated. The thought that Andi waiting on us kept my legs moving as well. I wanted to make her proud.
Andi, in her long legged glory finished the race 50 minutes before we reached the finish line. We had prayed for her along the way and glory be to God, she sustained no injuries (which she was afraid she would) and stayed strong through the whole thing. We were so happy for her and it was great to see her again after our sprinting finish into the arms of our supportive husbands who carried signs and cheered us on.
WE HAD ALL JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!!! It was the craziest ride but will be some of my most favorite memories.
First what should have been a nice scenic 4 hour drive to our hotel turned into a total of 10 hours before we actually reached our hotel. The details include sitting in traffic for an hour and a half in Forsyth due to road workers sitting around chatting and laughing at us travelers as we crept by. (No one knows for sure what they were SUPPOSED to be doing besides causing lots of road rage.) Once we finally got past all that mess and hurried down to our hotel's exit, we decided to just go straight on to the Savannah Convention Center to pick up our packets. Apparently the beautiful city of Savannah thought it would be a fun little practical joke to play on all us 23,000 runners to have us pick up our packets in a place that was built on an island, meaning only one way on and on way off by means of a 2 lane bridge. Needless to say, more traffic, more stress (the packet pick up would be closing soon) and wondering if a bridge can hold that many passangers is not a nice thought to have as you feel it's bouncing movement. Oh, did I mention our gas light was blinding us with a beaming reminder that it's almost empty, but we finally made it.
After receiving our packets and being shoved out of the expo by the venders who were ready to go home, we headed back to our cars, which were parked what felt like 2 miles away when you are walking around in 4 inch heels (a decision I deeply regretted once the hike started.) We had worked up quite an appetite after all the walking and stress, so we chose a place to grab a bite. Andi, Christi, and I each got in our individual cars with our wonderful husbands that we so loveingly dragged along and headed out. The restaurant we picked was right in front of our hotel. After finding a gas station, Andi texted me saying she wanted to check into the hotel first so we all agreed. Her and Sean reached the hotel first to which we soon found out that they were not at the same Fairfield Inn that Christi and I were at. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! After the fire from our ears turned to smoke, we still decided to eat at the place in front of mine and Christi's hotel. We were able to find a few laughs in the highly stressful day and made plans on how to meet in the morning and went our seperate ways to try and get some sleep.
The following morning, I woke up in a panic; looked at the clock to realize I had slept in 30 minutes past the time I was suppose to get up. After getting ready in a hurry, braiding Christi's hair, her braiding mine and poor Andi waiting as patiently as an angel, we got in the car to head to the Savannah mall where the shuttle bus was to pick us up and take us to the start line. Oooooffffff course we sat in traffic on our way there and quickly discovered once we pulled into the parking lot that EVERYONE else thought this would be the quickest way to get to the race as well. The lines (and yes I mean lineS, there were about 10 in all) to get on the buses where each at least 100 yards long. The gun shot for the race to start would be resounding in about 45 minutes and we saw no way that we would make it on time. You could hear the anger and frustration in the voices around us. This was not well thought out by the city of Savannah. Finally someone called in all the buses and shuttles the city had and we were able to make it on one...an open air one...with plastic covering the windows...in 32 degree weather...we were FREEZING!!!
Arriving to the start line 32 mins late, we were finally on our way. Aaahhh, we made it. Time to relax...I mean race. We past miles 1-5 in a hurry, shuffling through the massive crowds, trying to stay together and then something happened. A water station appeared and we all made our way to it, fighting to get water and when Christi and I turned around to look for Andi, we had lost her. Where did she go? On we ran, looking through the runners trying to find her but she was no where in sight. We hoped she had taken off to meet her goal of finishing the race an hour faster than us and so we didn't worry too much. We later found out that she too, got water, looked around and couldn't find us. The crowds had swept us apart like a vicious tide and we just had to go with it.
As the miles went on, we enjoyed some beautiful scenery and some not so beautiful (i.e. 6 miles of the 516 interstate) but the coolest thing ever was meeting an angel. No, I was not delusional; then again, maybe I was. It was about mile 20. My knees where killing me and Christi suggested that I stop at the medic station right in front of us and get some pain medicine. I waved her off and decided to just push through and keep going. Not ten feet up, we came up on a woman who turned to me and said, "Do you need some Advil?" "No, thank you," I replied, "I can't take anything like that without water. "I have water too," she said as she pulled out a bottle from her fanny pack. "Oh! Ok, I suppose I will then." I took the medicine from her hand and drank some of her water. "Now, here are some cookies. You can't take that medicine without any food." she said as she handed me a handful of animal crackers. "Is this your first marathon?" she asked. "Yes ma'am, it is." I answered. "This is my 117th. Believe me, you girls look much more impressive than I did on my first one." And with that she was off, disappearing in the distance, leaving me and Christi in bewilderment. It was totally AWESOME!!! We were so close to the end and Christi was so strong for me as I wanted to just give up and walk. She kept me moving and motivated. The thought that Andi waiting on us kept my legs moving as well. I wanted to make her proud.
Andi, in her long legged glory finished the race 50 minutes before we reached the finish line. We had prayed for her along the way and glory be to God, she sustained no injuries (which she was afraid she would) and stayed strong through the whole thing. We were so happy for her and it was great to see her again after our sprinting finish into the arms of our supportive husbands who carried signs and cheered us on.
WE HAD ALL JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!!! It was the craziest ride but will be some of my most favorite memories.
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