Why me?

Lent has passed along with the first week of Easter and my heart has been consistently anxious.  It feels as if my training wheels have been taken off and I am to put into practice all I have learned over the past 40 days to make my ride successful but I will admit, it has not been.  Easter morning, the Lord hit me with an amazing challenge and instead of pulling out all my notes, trusting in him, and gracefully excepting, I shifted my focus, became subject to fear and fell flat on my face. Still, I am fighting discouragement, depression, and asking for a way out of this glorious opportunity that he has placed upon me.  I suppose this is what Moses felt like when God told him he was to go talk with the Pharaoh (and in just typing those words, humility hits, tears blur my vision, and I can't seem to draw in a full breath of air.)  I am so scared.  "Me, Lord?  Why not her, or him, anyone but me?"  Now Isaiah is flooding my memory.  "Here I am Lord, send me."  That should be my attitude.  For what greater, dangerous, amazing thing can be done than that of what God calls you to?  There isn't one.  The possibilities of hurt are endless but even greater is God's ability to use me and heal what has been broken.  During this time, God has placed a song in my heart that I must share.  It has played none stop in my ears, giving me encouragement and I hope it does the same for you all as well.

 Jesus, please come*
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray

But don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
Wipe the dirt off my face
Hold me in your embrace
Your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
In spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Please answer this prayer Lord, that I may have the courage to do what you have asked, walk in your love and Fear not!

Holy is the Lamb that was Slain

Last night started out as a celebration, some might say.  As the worship team started playing, you could literally see the holy spirit descend upon them.  With every note played, with every word sung, heaven opened up and the angels join in.  Lingering in the air was the reality of this day as we were there to reflect upon it's events.  Jesus sat down with his followers, his brothers, his friends, and became the lowest of low as he shared his last meal with them and washed each one of their feet.  He gave to them his last command before leaving this earth, to love one another as themselves, then went to the garden to pray.  He prayed not just for what was about to happen, but for his disciples and for those to follow...us.  Christ, in his knowledge of the upcoming events, took time to pray for you, for me, for our children and our children's children.  Then, he was taken away, betrayed by one of his dear friends with a kiss, and lead to slaughter.  As I sat in my seat, hearing our priest recall that night, hot tears flowed down my cheeks.  Once again the music resounded as we rose to process to the alter and share in communion.  After returning to our chairs, the joyful noises were cut short.  Each priest, deacon, and worship team member removed their robs and the sanctuary was engulfed in complete darkness.  The voice of our Bishop pierced the silence with these words, "On your way out, do not reverence the cross.  Our Lord has been taken away.  It is a dark time."   The life rushed out of me, and sobs uncontrollable came.  It, indeed, felt dark.

Today, our Lord, was traded in for a murderer and beaten beyond recognition.  His flesh hung from his bones and he said not a word.  In their mocking, the Roman soldiers who were holding him prisoner, placed a crown of thorns upon his head, stripped him naked and spit in his face.  In their "thoughtfulness" they covered his naked body back up for the long journey to Golgatha.  Beaten, weak, and soaked in his own blood, he carried his cross. Reaching the place where he would be crucified, the soldiers stripped Jesus once again, tearing open the wounds that had dried to the clothing.  Placing the cross on the ground and his body on top of the cross, the nails were hammered into his hands and feet with brute force.  The air was pushed out of his lungs as the cross was brought upright and slammed into it's secured place.  There our sins were placed upon this blemish free lamb and the Father could not look upon him.  "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me." he cried out as he felt the absence of his Abba.  When he had suffered enough, with his last breath, he exclaimed, "It is finished."

Can you imagine?  All of this for you, for me?  Willingly he did this for just a glimpse of our faces, of our love, so that we could be in relationship with him.  I am speechless, humbled, and so very thankful and I can NOT wait for Sunday!

Removing the Replay

"You can go through something once or you can hit the replay button and go through it a thousand times in your mind."

This beautiful piece of knowledge was handed over to me last Saturday and it has taken my heart hostage.  The mind is a powerful thing and I have a disturbing ability to replay a situation over and over in my head until it is all consuming, overwhelming, unbearable and overpowering.  It wraps it's vines around me, pulling me into the depths of darkness, and tells me that I have no way out.  I envision the scene from The Princess Bride where The Dread Pirate Roberts, aka Westley, and Buttercup are swallowed up by the quick sand of The Thieves Forest.  For a good 30 seconds the characters disappear and you are certain all hope is lost for them.  In the midst of the entanglement, when I am uncontrollably hitting the replay button, I certainly feel as if all hope is lost.  Glory be to God, it is not!  The following scene in the movie shows  Westley, in his despair but urge to survive, find something to grab hold to and pulls him and his love back to the surface.  That for us, my dear bothers and sisters, is our Savior.  Without fail, He will pull us back to the surface with a full on rescue.

After having my "AH-HaH" moment, I realized I am doing this to myself and for what?  Why?  I do not have to go through this worry and agony so why do I chose to do this to myself?    I am the one who has control over whether or not I allow a situation to drive me insane or give it over to God, allowing His will to be done as I so often pray.  Why do I chose to stay locked in the tower when I could be the rescued princess?  My answer, again...  FEAR!  Yes, here again, even after 36 days of practice, I still succumb to the fear that my prince will not show up for me.  I hold my Abba accountable for the actions of others.  I place those failures and disappointments on Him and believe that it was He who did not pull through when it was not Him at all.  He is asking me to remove the replay, die to myself, trust in Him and as always He will prove that He is, will, and always has pulled through.  Once I do this, I am able to sit in awe of the way he works.  I am able to see that everything will truly be ok and not miss out on his majesty.

Thank you my Lord for all the amazing things you are doing.  Thank you for allowing me to see your works and thank you for constantly refining me.  I love you!  

A Celebration

This is the first time that I can ever remember celebrating my grandfather's birthday.  He wasn't much for drawing attention to himself.  Anytime he was in the hospital, no one was allowed to visit  When he accepted the Lord into his life 12 years ago, he asked the pastor to please go ahead and baptize him after church so that he wouldn't have to do it in front of a lot of people.  I believe that it was possibly out of not wanting to feel or be shown as vulnerable.  Once upon a time, my mom described him as a hard man to love due to this strong characteristic, but for me, I rather enjoyed pushing myself on him, almost forcing him to show the affection I knew he was capable of but rarely gave.  I remember sitting beside him on his porch swing one afternoon, reaching over to hold his hand and smiling to myself as he complied.  He had a gruff exterior but underneath that was a heart that had compassion, care, concern and love.  His way of showing it often came out offensively and sometimes hurtful for it was very direct and blunt, but if you could look past his words and see his heart, you would know that it was out of love that he shared his strong opinions.  He would have been 67 today had he not gone to be with the Lord late last year, but his legacy lives on in the faces of his children and grandchildren.  The memory of him lives on in each of the stories shared at today's gathering.  His gentle side lives on in his beautiful wife, my granny, and though he was deeply missed at our celebration for his life today, we can carry on with joy knowing he is enjoying the greatest celebration of all with our Lord.  To my Grandfather, my name sake, Riley Deems Smith.  I love you!

Step Up

For so long, I refused help.  I wanted to be the one to walk others through their hard times but never allowed anyone to help me through mine.  I didn't want others to see me as "weak" or judge the way I was handling things and therefore I hid.  The very first time I opened up to a close friend of mine about all that was going on, she did the very things I was afraid of and drove me further into seclusion.  Healing didn't begin in my life until I asked for help and received counseling.  I prayed about letting others in and God prepared the way and my next experience with telling a friend showed more of God's love and was much more helpful.  I hate to say it but I have gotten pretty comfortable in this place.  The place where others help, while you lean on them for strength but I suppose it's time I start walking on my own now.

At every corner, I see hurt.  So many of my loved ones are facing hardships and trial.  My heart is burdened with what they must walk through.  I know no other way to help them but with prayer and fervently, I have.  I feel as if I am failing them some how though, as if I should be doing more.  Maybe it's God pressing my heart to do so.  I make excuses.  Recalling my time of darkness, I remember wishing everyone would just leave me alone and so I tell myself that is what they wish for as well but I can't be certain.  I am so worried that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and only push them further into despair rather than encourage them that I remain quiet, hoping they feel my prayers.  I am suppose to be laying down fear during this lent season and all of my efforts have been quite successful except for here, right here, in this place where I should be helping others be lifted up but instead freezing up.  I am very disappointed in myself.  This "I'm too scared" attitude has me screwing up in other areas, not being vulnerable to others, and not being who God wants me to be.  It has me blaming again, prideful again, and having self pity...again.  It's funny how when you aren't doing what God wants you to do everything else so easily swallows you back up...kind of like a big fish.  I have to stop this downward spiral, breathe in deep, step out on faith and be an Aaron for others in the way that so many have done for me.  I have to allow God to be in control and go before me, preparing the way.    It's time for me to step up.

Couponing!

As the afternoon progressed into late evening my back began killing me, my eyes were burning, my hand was cramping, and my brain was fried.  I was exhausted.  No, I wasn't pulling a late night workout or cramming for an important test.  From 1:00 p.m. until somewhere around 11:30 (when I asked my husband to force me to bed) I was COUPONING, only breaking for dinner.  I know, sad right?  It started when I happened upon this show that takes you into the life of an "extreme" couponer.  These people spend hours upon hours at their computers hunting for deals and matching them up with coupons, digging through dumpsters searching for coupons, walking neighborhoods asking others for their unused coupons, planning each trip to the store with such a precise strategy then get to the register and have a debt that was only about 10% of their original bill.  It absolutely blew my mind.  I began to think of all the things my family could do and opportunities they could have if I could learn how to save this kind of money on our rising grocery bill...college, cars, recreational sports or events.  The possibilities just kept stacking up in my head.  I started getting excited to the point that the night before, I didn't sleep a wink.  Again, crazy, I know.

I'm not saying that I will be going dumpster diving anytime soon (although, if anyone wants to plan a trip, I'm down) ;-) but I am going to give this thing a try.  I do not fully expect to cut my grocery bill by 90% but even just a $50.00 savings a week would make a difference.  For me, the show gave hope to this sometimes guilty (when I have to tell my children no) stay at home mom and proved that with a little effort and planning, there are ways to save money.  It, too, can be a part of my "job" description and I am ok with that.

I go shopping tomorrow!  I have my coupons clipped, my list made, and my plan in place.  I will let you know how I fair.  Let's pray I don't bomb.

It's GOooOD!

Snuggled up with my blanket and pillow on the couch while my hubby watched the rest of his show on t.v., I began to drift off to sleep.  In what seemed like seconds later, our house sounded like it was undergoing attack.  The wind swirled with fierce strength throwing branches and various bits of debris against our windows and in a flash Seth was on his feet.  "I think we need to get the girls and get down stairs."  Immediately I was up, running to Lila's room while he ran to Joci's but before we could get down the hall the front door blew open with a loud whoosh sending my adrenaline in over drive.  Seth flew down the stairs, pushed the door closed and was back up beside me before I even realized what he had done.  Trying to remain calm, I grabbed up my baby girl and met back up with Seth who had Joci wrapped in his arms and down the stairs we scurried to the basement.  My heart pounding and knees shaking, I wondered what to do next.  "Just sit on the couch, under this support beam."  Down I sat, thankful that Seth had answered my silent question.  With the girls beside me who were dazed and confused, our hero began to speak words of encouragement.  "Everything is going to be ok."  Ahhhh... sighing in relief, my body started to relax as well as my spirit.  I believed him.  I knew that as long as he was there with us, all was going to be ok.  After calling our son, who was at his grandparents with his cousins, and making sure he was safe, we rode out the storm and we WERE...ok.

Later that night, after the girls were back in their beds, sleeping soundly, Seth looked over at me and said, "You did good, baby."  In that moment he saw me as his Ezer Kenegdo, his help meet, his life saver.  I had been able to fulfill the role that God created me for and he did the same for me.  It felt wonderful.  Though we never said it out loud, we knew it would have been so much tougher to do all that needed to be done in that moment of crisis if not for the other hadn't been there.  This realization and appreciation for one another is becoming a common occurrence.  The Lord is doing amazing things in our marriage and I couldn't be more excited.  Looking back, I can see how this experience symbolizes many of the things we have endured and survived over the last couple of years but the great accomplishment is actually feeling and knowing that all was going to be ok this time.  No longer am I putting trust in myself but in the Lord and trusting that my husband is following the Lord's instructions.  So in the word's of Bruce Almighty..."It's GOooOD!!!"

Thank you Abba for the man you have placed me with.    

I need help

So, I think Satan snuck in via my broke big toe.  Ever since my "accident" all the nagging thoughts are back, "You're so stupid.  All your training down the drain.  You're gonna gain all your weight back.  You made some stupid decisions..."on and on the voice goes, and I will admit, I have not been good at fighting these thoughts off.  Instead, I have been snappy, bitter, discontent, a mean, unappreciative wife, moody and blocked, blocked from communing with my Abba.  What happened?  I was doing so well then one stupid mishap and SPLAT! right on my face.  And you know what, I knew what I was doing but never asked for help.  Why?  I was packing my pride in one of those exotic "inability baggage"s.  Pride : The inability to admit you are wrong, need help, and/or are too FEARFUL to be vulnerable.  Because things had been going fantastic, I didn't want to admit that I was having trouble continuing on.  I didn't want to admit that I was slipping into self pity.  I didn't want to admit that I was failing for fear that others might find me as a joke, hypocrite, judge me or worst of all, hurt me. I like to think that I have it all together, that once I learn a lesson, I won't forget it but the truth is, I can put up a major front sometimes, you know, slap on that fake smile that says to everyone else, "I'm ok" but inside I'm desperately needing to get back to God but am not sure how to do it.  When I finally do break down, let go of my pride and do ask for help, things get so much better.  I call it (when I actually do it), having an Aaron.  I need my Aarons', those that will hold my arms up when the staff is getting too heavy and I'm losing the battle.  I need those that will pray, rebuke Satan, not judge, and not find the little things that get me down as ridiculous.  I have some pretty amazing Aarons that God has blessed me with and I should have allowed them to help me.  Thank God that even without my asking, they prayed anyway and God answered their prayers and mine as well.  Thank you!

Abba, help me to let go of my pride and thank you for my Aarons.