FOOD!!!

I strapped fear to my back like a load of bricks pulled by a tether and started the race.  Hours went by where I felt strong and felt I could keep going on like this for a long while but then someone on the side lines would yell out, "I can't believe you are doing this.  You can give up if you want to."  Almost immediately my legs would grow tired, my breath would shorten, my stomach would knot and before I knew it that load of bricks would come barreling forward, slam me in the back and knock me to my knees.  It would take days sometimes for me to get up, get back in the race, and start moving again but eventually I would find the courage to do so and diligently I would strap up again only for the cycle to reoccur.  One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  I was insane and knew it but was unsure about how to change or fix it.  I specifically remember one moment where I was sitting in the living room, watching a t.v. show where one of the characters was in a mental hospital, drugged out of his mind, staring out the window because that was all he was capable of and I thought, "Wow, what I wouldn't give for that."  Giving up sounded so pleasant, more pleasant than running with this load of bricks, that was for sure.

When God told me to give up fear He wasn't saying, "I will give you the endurance you need to carry those bricks." or "I will be right here, cheering you on as you run the race with that heavy load." but rather, "Get up, start running and guess what!?!  I will carry those bricks."  WHAAAA??  Seriously?  You want to do that?  But, it's my deal, my  situation.  How about you take half and I'll take half and off I went, stupidly, thinking somehow that would work.  Again, I was insane.  Tired I grew, wearily my legs gave out and SLAM! the bricks would knock me down.  Crap, that didn't work.  "Hello, I will carry those for you.  Don't be stubborn, Joy, or a hero.  I can do this but you can not, without me carrying the load."  Alright, you asked for it.  I got up...again, left the harness attached to the bricks on the pavement and took off, full on sprint.  It has felt amazing.  I've tripped up a few times here and there but my Abba has reached out in the nick of time to keep me from falling.  One thing I have experienced during this and was unaware would occur is physical exhaustion.  Why?  What is this?  And then, this morning the Lord told me.  "You are not feeding yourself."  Ha!  Wanna bet?  I eat and eat and eat sometimes.  "Not that, silly girl."  He says with a giggle, "My food.  The Word!"  OOOhhh!!!  Seth and I read together at least three times a week and God has done amazing things through that, but I need now to add to that by feeding myself, feeding mine and His relationship, allowing Him to restore this body with the strength and endurance it needs to finish this race.

HE IS GOOD AND HIS LOVE ENDURES ALL.