As 2011 comes to a close, I am quickly realizing that I am a bit anxious about what the new year may have in store. It has been such an amazing year, full of healing, new adventures, goals being met, restoring relationships, forming new ones and learning to actually walk with the Lord instead of bumping into Him every now and again.
As I ponder the possibilities, as I know I shouldn't, I can't help but find myself playing the "what if" game. What if all that we've accomplished falls apart? What if my faith gets raddled again? Will I be able to stand firm? Is all this too good to be true? Where do we (me, my Abba, my husband, my family) go from here? So easily after all that God has proven to me, I fear falling backwards instead of moving forward. I'm sure it is an attack from my enemy and I know I must fight with strength and endurance and fight I will...I just do not want to screw up.
Into the unknown, I will set sail, with the knowledge that no matter what, my Abba loves me. I pray I am found faithful, loyal, and always running towards the heart of God.
So in closing, I pray a wonderful new year full of blessings be bestowed upon all of you! May the Lord's face shine upon you.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Forgive as I have been forgiven
taken from John 8: 1-11...translation my own
"Her arms grabbed at fabric to best conceal her naked body as the men brought her into the street. Shouting out to the towns people that they had an adultress caught in the act. A crowd gathered and began picking up the largest stones they could find. Forming a circle to commense the beating, they threw her at Jesus's feet. Lying in the dirt, head down, heart pounding, body shaking in fear, she knew what she deserved and did not put up a fight.
Ever so calmly, Jesus knelt down to her level and began to write in the sand. All those around just stood in silence, waiting to see what the man, who claimed to be the son of God, would do. Their law said they were completely justified in hurling bolders at her until one cracked her skull causing death, but then He spoke. "You who are without sin cast the first stone." Perplexed and bewildered, the crowd was taken a back. Their sins crept into their memory as the rocks in their hands grew heavy and eventually slipped out of their fingers. With guilt weighing heavily on their shoulders, they dispersed and left Jesus alone with the woman.
She had not realized she was holding her breath until it escaped her body in a loud huff. The loud ringing in her ears grew silent as she found the strength to look into the eyes of the man that just saved her life. "Does no one condemn you?" Tears rolling down her dirty checks, she replied, "No one, sir." "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declares. "Go now and leave your life of sin." Taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet and pointed her in the dirction she should go."
I have been where the crowd stood on many occasions; only the one thrown in front of Jesus had commited the sin against me. I was not just an on looker of a sinner, ready to judge. I was beaten and wounded by the one at His feet waiting on His judgement. Unfortunately, even with Jesus's strong words hanging in the air, my stone was hurled with a mighty and ugly force. And Christ would just look at me and repeat them again, "Joy! Are you without sin? Can you justly throw that stone?" My case, I would argue, my bruises I would show, and my fear I would spill out...and often I still do. But somehow my Abba allows me to see myself as the woman, guilty as charged and begins to soften my heart towards my offender, showing me I am no different than they, but am given mercy and grace everytime I fall short. Such love he has for me to continue to want to mold me, not leaving me as I am, so that I too can forgive as I have been forgiven.
"Her arms grabbed at fabric to best conceal her naked body as the men brought her into the street. Shouting out to the towns people that they had an adultress caught in the act. A crowd gathered and began picking up the largest stones they could find. Forming a circle to commense the beating, they threw her at Jesus's feet. Lying in the dirt, head down, heart pounding, body shaking in fear, she knew what she deserved and did not put up a fight.
Ever so calmly, Jesus knelt down to her level and began to write in the sand. All those around just stood in silence, waiting to see what the man, who claimed to be the son of God, would do. Their law said they were completely justified in hurling bolders at her until one cracked her skull causing death, but then He spoke. "You who are without sin cast the first stone." Perplexed and bewildered, the crowd was taken a back. Their sins crept into their memory as the rocks in their hands grew heavy and eventually slipped out of their fingers. With guilt weighing heavily on their shoulders, they dispersed and left Jesus alone with the woman.
She had not realized she was holding her breath until it escaped her body in a loud huff. The loud ringing in her ears grew silent as she found the strength to look into the eyes of the man that just saved her life. "Does no one condemn you?" Tears rolling down her dirty checks, she replied, "No one, sir." "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declares. "Go now and leave your life of sin." Taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet and pointed her in the dirction she should go."
I have been where the crowd stood on many occasions; only the one thrown in front of Jesus had commited the sin against me. I was not just an on looker of a sinner, ready to judge. I was beaten and wounded by the one at His feet waiting on His judgement. Unfortunately, even with Jesus's strong words hanging in the air, my stone was hurled with a mighty and ugly force. And Christ would just look at me and repeat them again, "Joy! Are you without sin? Can you justly throw that stone?" My case, I would argue, my bruises I would show, and my fear I would spill out...and often I still do. But somehow my Abba allows me to see myself as the woman, guilty as charged and begins to soften my heart towards my offender, showing me I am no different than they, but am given mercy and grace everytime I fall short. Such love he has for me to continue to want to mold me, not leaving me as I am, so that I too can forgive as I have been forgiven.
Monday, December 12, 2011
A Sacrifice in His Birth
26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”
29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
34 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
35 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[a] the Son of God. 36 Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. 37 For no word from God will ever fail.”
38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. (Luke 1: 26-38)
This Christmas season has me more drawn to the birth of Christ, I am sad to say, than any years before and more so, with this passage in particular. We often concentrate on Mary and commend her response to the Lord as she takes on this amazingly huge responsibility. The possiblities are endless as to what could happen to her as an unwed pregnant young girl who is engaged but nevertheless, she seems honored to be given this cup to drink. But I ask, if only for a moment, to look at the supernatural and the possibilities that could have taken place in the heavens at this very same moment. I see it happening something like this:
"Gabrial's words to Mary echoed through the heavens as the most crucial of conversations between man and angel occured. What would Mary say? How would this young woman react? The Holy Trinity already knew the outcome as the angels hung on every word. The Father, looking over at the Son, can already feel His heart being pulled as the seperation will soon occur. "Are you ready, Son?" With a smile and a nod, the Christ answered the Father. With his large, gentle hand, The Father reaches over and pulls the Son in for one last tangible hug before The Son leaves his right side for the very first time. The Son is about to enter into the world through the womb of a virgin. He is about to leave the throne of His Kingdom to be born to the very poor family of a carpanter. His head will rest upon hay in his first days and will be crowned in thorns during his last. His earthly mother will craddle him as he enters her world as well as when he leaves it. He will experience every emotion, every temptation, every fear and every feeling that comes with being sinned against, and yet He still agrees to come....He still agrees to come.
And then Mary speaks, "May your word to me be fullfilled." And like that... It's done. The Son has left. He is now Son and man. The angels rour with rejoicing and The Father leaps with glee. The world is being reconciled to Him. "
So during the season of Advent, as we prepare for the coming of the Lord, let us be gracious for his sacrifice, even at his birth. What an amazing God we serve!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Monday, November 28, 2011
Who are you?
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered. (Genesis 32: 24-27)
I have read this story often and always thought it amazing that God gave Jacob such an experience but as I was asked to look deeper into the story (by God via a book I am reading), tears overwhelmed me at the question the Lord asks Jacob. "What is your name?" Who are you? Are you what I intended you to be? As I squirmed in my chair, not really wanting to reply, I wonder if Jacob felt the same way. My answer went something like this. "I am Joy and no, I am not who you intended for me to be. I have grabbed hold of world's ways instead of finding my identity in you. I am angry and bitter and unhappy in my circumstance. I have been betrayed and unforgiving. I am fearful of becoming vulnerable and have not trusted you with my whole heart." The answer given here was not always given all at once, or the same things everytime (depending on what my trial was at the time) but none the less it is often the answer that the mirror shows.
Thankfully, The Lord, my Abba, the lover of my soul did not let go of me, nor will He ever, without giving a blessing upon my head, a new piece of truth that shows me that my name is changed. I am no longer Joy the betrayed, the angry, the daughter of sin but instead JOY, the daughter of the Savior, the beautiful, the forgiven, the lovely, the one made perfect through the love of Christ. The Lord always finds me as perfect as I sit at His feet. It is in my forgetting that He has to remind me and He never seems to grow tired of doing so.
Who are you? Continue to wrestle with Him as Jacob did, never letting go until He delivers you into a new name. A name that reflects your true identity in Him. He loves you. He is not angry with you and He will never leave nor forsake you.
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered. (Genesis 32: 24-27)
I have read this story often and always thought it amazing that God gave Jacob such an experience but as I was asked to look deeper into the story (by God via a book I am reading), tears overwhelmed me at the question the Lord asks Jacob. "What is your name?" Who are you? Are you what I intended you to be? As I squirmed in my chair, not really wanting to reply, I wonder if Jacob felt the same way. My answer went something like this. "I am Joy and no, I am not who you intended for me to be. I have grabbed hold of world's ways instead of finding my identity in you. I am angry and bitter and unhappy in my circumstance. I have been betrayed and unforgiving. I am fearful of becoming vulnerable and have not trusted you with my whole heart." The answer given here was not always given all at once, or the same things everytime (depending on what my trial was at the time) but none the less it is often the answer that the mirror shows.
Thankfully, The Lord, my Abba, the lover of my soul did not let go of me, nor will He ever, without giving a blessing upon my head, a new piece of truth that shows me that my name is changed. I am no longer Joy the betrayed, the angry, the daughter of sin but instead JOY, the daughter of the Savior, the beautiful, the forgiven, the lovely, the one made perfect through the love of Christ. The Lord always finds me as perfect as I sit at His feet. It is in my forgetting that He has to remind me and He never seems to grow tired of doing so.
Who are you? Continue to wrestle with Him as Jacob did, never letting go until He delivers you into a new name. A name that reflects your true identity in Him. He loves you. He is not angry with you and He will never leave nor forsake you.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Being Exposed
"A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well." The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with.
At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5: 25-34)
There is something about this story that grips me to my core. Everytime I read it, or hear it, a lump developes in my throut that is tough to swallow down. It's in the Lord's asking, "Who touched me?" This woman, who has tried to remain hidden, find healing in the shadows of a crowd, is about to be exposed. I imagine that she went into the crowd on her knees, crawling in the dirt, trying to be as tiny as possible because that was the way she felt within...unclean, unworthy, filthy even to the core, but upon recieving what she had put all her faith in by just reaching out and touching the hem of his cloak, I imagine her springing to her feet, relieved, thankful, and whole. But as soon as Christ asked, "Who touched me?" I can almost hear her heart pounding through the pages and the worried thoughts running through her mind, "What will the crowd think of me if they find out what I was? What will they do to me? Is this my consequence for trying to sneak a blessing?"
I suppose it grabs me so because I too have faced exposure on several accounts. Some the Lord prepared me for and others were brought on like this bleeding woman in the story...just a face in the crowd of a congregation, listening to the word of the Lord, recieving healing in secret there in my chair only for the Lord to have my Bishop point to me and ask me to come and kneel to reveal my pain and afflictions to him and others standing around. I have had those thoughts of worry and feelings of faintedness as I would confess who I "really" was. I had wondered how I would be judged and if others could find something to love after knowing the truth or if one by one they would gather up their stones. Scary as it was, I stepped out on faith and shared my story. I wish I could say that all of those who heard acted according the Christ's word, but the truth is that some did pick up their stones, some acted like I did have the plague, and through the love of Jesus, some are my closest friends today. Regardless of the friendships I lost or gained, what mattered more to me on the days of my exposure was that my faith healed me. I walked away clean, restored, and renewed in Christ Jesus.
We often fear the judging of others more than we want to recieve healing, so we remain hidden. It's time we just reach out on faith and grab onto the hem of Jesus's cloak. Our reward will be greater than anything we can ever imagine.
At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5: 25-34)
There is something about this story that grips me to my core. Everytime I read it, or hear it, a lump developes in my throut that is tough to swallow down. It's in the Lord's asking, "Who touched me?" This woman, who has tried to remain hidden, find healing in the shadows of a crowd, is about to be exposed. I imagine that she went into the crowd on her knees, crawling in the dirt, trying to be as tiny as possible because that was the way she felt within...unclean, unworthy, filthy even to the core, but upon recieving what she had put all her faith in by just reaching out and touching the hem of his cloak, I imagine her springing to her feet, relieved, thankful, and whole. But as soon as Christ asked, "Who touched me?" I can almost hear her heart pounding through the pages and the worried thoughts running through her mind, "What will the crowd think of me if they find out what I was? What will they do to me? Is this my consequence for trying to sneak a blessing?"
I suppose it grabs me so because I too have faced exposure on several accounts. Some the Lord prepared me for and others were brought on like this bleeding woman in the story...just a face in the crowd of a congregation, listening to the word of the Lord, recieving healing in secret there in my chair only for the Lord to have my Bishop point to me and ask me to come and kneel to reveal my pain and afflictions to him and others standing around. I have had those thoughts of worry and feelings of faintedness as I would confess who I "really" was. I had wondered how I would be judged and if others could find something to love after knowing the truth or if one by one they would gather up their stones. Scary as it was, I stepped out on faith and shared my story. I wish I could say that all of those who heard acted according the Christ's word, but the truth is that some did pick up their stones, some acted like I did have the plague, and through the love of Jesus, some are my closest friends today. Regardless of the friendships I lost or gained, what mattered more to me on the days of my exposure was that my faith healed me. I walked away clean, restored, and renewed in Christ Jesus.
We often fear the judging of others more than we want to recieve healing, so we remain hidden. It's time we just reach out on faith and grab onto the hem of Jesus's cloak. Our reward will be greater than anything we can ever imagine.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Beast that is a Marathon
Every thing that could have gone hay wire did just that. We had prepped and planned for 5 months straight to run this marathon but nothing could have prepared us for what we were about to experience.
First what should have been a nice scenic 4 hour drive to our hotel turned into a total of 10 hours before we actually reached our hotel. The details include sitting in traffic for an hour and a half in Forsyth due to road workers sitting around chatting and laughing at us travelers as we crept by. (No one knows for sure what they were SUPPOSED to be doing besides causing lots of road rage.) Once we finally got past all that mess and hurried down to our hotel's exit, we decided to just go straight on to the Savannah Convention Center to pick up our packets. Apparently the beautiful city of Savannah thought it would be a fun little practical joke to play on all us 23,000 runners to have us pick up our packets in a place that was built on an island, meaning only one way on and on way off by means of a 2 lane bridge. Needless to say, more traffic, more stress (the packet pick up would be closing soon) and wondering if a bridge can hold that many passangers is not a nice thought to have as you feel it's bouncing movement. Oh, did I mention our gas light was blinding us with a beaming reminder that it's almost empty, but we finally made it.
After receiving our packets and being shoved out of the expo by the venders who were ready to go home, we headed back to our cars, which were parked what felt like 2 miles away when you are walking around in 4 inch heels (a decision I deeply regretted once the hike started.) We had worked up quite an appetite after all the walking and stress, so we chose a place to grab a bite. Andi, Christi, and I each got in our individual cars with our wonderful husbands that we so loveingly dragged along and headed out. The restaurant we picked was right in front of our hotel. After finding a gas station, Andi texted me saying she wanted to check into the hotel first so we all agreed. Her and Sean reached the hotel first to which we soon found out that they were not at the same Fairfield Inn that Christi and I were at. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! After the fire from our ears turned to smoke, we still decided to eat at the place in front of mine and Christi's hotel. We were able to find a few laughs in the highly stressful day and made plans on how to meet in the morning and went our seperate ways to try and get some sleep.
The following morning, I woke up in a panic; looked at the clock to realize I had slept in 30 minutes past the time I was suppose to get up. After getting ready in a hurry, braiding Christi's hair, her braiding mine and poor Andi waiting as patiently as an angel, we got in the car to head to the Savannah mall where the shuttle bus was to pick us up and take us to the start line. Oooooffffff course we sat in traffic on our way there and quickly discovered once we pulled into the parking lot that EVERYONE else thought this would be the quickest way to get to the race as well. The lines (and yes I mean lineS, there were about 10 in all) to get on the buses where each at least 100 yards long. The gun shot for the race to start would be resounding in about 45 minutes and we saw no way that we would make it on time. You could hear the anger and frustration in the voices around us. This was not well thought out by the city of Savannah. Finally someone called in all the buses and shuttles the city had and we were able to make it on one...an open air one...with plastic covering the windows...in 32 degree weather...we were FREEZING!!!
Arriving to the start line 32 mins late, we were finally on our way. Aaahhh, we made it. Time to relax...I mean race. We past miles 1-5 in a hurry, shuffling through the massive crowds, trying to stay together and then something happened. A water station appeared and we all made our way to it, fighting to get water and when Christi and I turned around to look for Andi, we had lost her. Where did she go? On we ran, looking through the runners trying to find her but she was no where in sight. We hoped she had taken off to meet her goal of finishing the race an hour faster than us and so we didn't worry too much. We later found out that she too, got water, looked around and couldn't find us. The crowds had swept us apart like a vicious tide and we just had to go with it.
As the miles went on, we enjoyed some beautiful scenery and some not so beautiful (i.e. 6 miles of the 516 interstate) but the coolest thing ever was meeting an angel. No, I was not delusional; then again, maybe I was. It was about mile 20. My knees where killing me and Christi suggested that I stop at the medic station right in front of us and get some pain medicine. I waved her off and decided to just push through and keep going. Not ten feet up, we came up on a woman who turned to me and said, "Do you need some Advil?" "No, thank you," I replied, "I can't take anything like that without water. "I have water too," she said as she pulled out a bottle from her fanny pack. "Oh! Ok, I suppose I will then." I took the medicine from her hand and drank some of her water. "Now, here are some cookies. You can't take that medicine without any food." she said as she handed me a handful of animal crackers. "Is this your first marathon?" she asked. "Yes ma'am, it is." I answered. "This is my 117th. Believe me, you girls look much more impressive than I did on my first one." And with that she was off, disappearing in the distance, leaving me and Christi in bewilderment. It was totally AWESOME!!! We were so close to the end and Christi was so strong for me as I wanted to just give up and walk. She kept me moving and motivated. The thought that Andi waiting on us kept my legs moving as well. I wanted to make her proud.
Andi, in her long legged glory finished the race 50 minutes before we reached the finish line. We had prayed for her along the way and glory be to God, she sustained no injuries (which she was afraid she would) and stayed strong through the whole thing. We were so happy for her and it was great to see her again after our sprinting finish into the arms of our supportive husbands who carried signs and cheered us on.
WE HAD ALL JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!!! It was the craziest ride but will be some of my most favorite memories.
First what should have been a nice scenic 4 hour drive to our hotel turned into a total of 10 hours before we actually reached our hotel. The details include sitting in traffic for an hour and a half in Forsyth due to road workers sitting around chatting and laughing at us travelers as we crept by. (No one knows for sure what they were SUPPOSED to be doing besides causing lots of road rage.) Once we finally got past all that mess and hurried down to our hotel's exit, we decided to just go straight on to the Savannah Convention Center to pick up our packets. Apparently the beautiful city of Savannah thought it would be a fun little practical joke to play on all us 23,000 runners to have us pick up our packets in a place that was built on an island, meaning only one way on and on way off by means of a 2 lane bridge. Needless to say, more traffic, more stress (the packet pick up would be closing soon) and wondering if a bridge can hold that many passangers is not a nice thought to have as you feel it's bouncing movement. Oh, did I mention our gas light was blinding us with a beaming reminder that it's almost empty, but we finally made it.
After receiving our packets and being shoved out of the expo by the venders who were ready to go home, we headed back to our cars, which were parked what felt like 2 miles away when you are walking around in 4 inch heels (a decision I deeply regretted once the hike started.) We had worked up quite an appetite after all the walking and stress, so we chose a place to grab a bite. Andi, Christi, and I each got in our individual cars with our wonderful husbands that we so loveingly dragged along and headed out. The restaurant we picked was right in front of our hotel. After finding a gas station, Andi texted me saying she wanted to check into the hotel first so we all agreed. Her and Sean reached the hotel first to which we soon found out that they were not at the same Fairfield Inn that Christi and I were at. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! After the fire from our ears turned to smoke, we still decided to eat at the place in front of mine and Christi's hotel. We were able to find a few laughs in the highly stressful day and made plans on how to meet in the morning and went our seperate ways to try and get some sleep.
The following morning, I woke up in a panic; looked at the clock to realize I had slept in 30 minutes past the time I was suppose to get up. After getting ready in a hurry, braiding Christi's hair, her braiding mine and poor Andi waiting as patiently as an angel, we got in the car to head to the Savannah mall where the shuttle bus was to pick us up and take us to the start line. Oooooffffff course we sat in traffic on our way there and quickly discovered once we pulled into the parking lot that EVERYONE else thought this would be the quickest way to get to the race as well. The lines (and yes I mean lineS, there were about 10 in all) to get on the buses where each at least 100 yards long. The gun shot for the race to start would be resounding in about 45 minutes and we saw no way that we would make it on time. You could hear the anger and frustration in the voices around us. This was not well thought out by the city of Savannah. Finally someone called in all the buses and shuttles the city had and we were able to make it on one...an open air one...with plastic covering the windows...in 32 degree weather...we were FREEZING!!!
Arriving to the start line 32 mins late, we were finally on our way. Aaahhh, we made it. Time to relax...I mean race. We past miles 1-5 in a hurry, shuffling through the massive crowds, trying to stay together and then something happened. A water station appeared and we all made our way to it, fighting to get water and when Christi and I turned around to look for Andi, we had lost her. Where did she go? On we ran, looking through the runners trying to find her but she was no where in sight. We hoped she had taken off to meet her goal of finishing the race an hour faster than us and so we didn't worry too much. We later found out that she too, got water, looked around and couldn't find us. The crowds had swept us apart like a vicious tide and we just had to go with it.
As the miles went on, we enjoyed some beautiful scenery and some not so beautiful (i.e. 6 miles of the 516 interstate) but the coolest thing ever was meeting an angel. No, I was not delusional; then again, maybe I was. It was about mile 20. My knees where killing me and Christi suggested that I stop at the medic station right in front of us and get some pain medicine. I waved her off and decided to just push through and keep going. Not ten feet up, we came up on a woman who turned to me and said, "Do you need some Advil?" "No, thank you," I replied, "I can't take anything like that without water. "I have water too," she said as she pulled out a bottle from her fanny pack. "Oh! Ok, I suppose I will then." I took the medicine from her hand and drank some of her water. "Now, here are some cookies. You can't take that medicine without any food." she said as she handed me a handful of animal crackers. "Is this your first marathon?" she asked. "Yes ma'am, it is." I answered. "This is my 117th. Believe me, you girls look much more impressive than I did on my first one." And with that she was off, disappearing in the distance, leaving me and Christi in bewilderment. It was totally AWESOME!!! We were so close to the end and Christi was so strong for me as I wanted to just give up and walk. She kept me moving and motivated. The thought that Andi waiting on us kept my legs moving as well. I wanted to make her proud.
Andi, in her long legged glory finished the race 50 minutes before we reached the finish line. We had prayed for her along the way and glory be to God, she sustained no injuries (which she was afraid she would) and stayed strong through the whole thing. We were so happy for her and it was great to see her again after our sprinting finish into the arms of our supportive husbands who carried signs and cheered us on.
WE HAD ALL JUST FINISHED A MARATHON!!! It was the craziest ride but will be some of my most favorite memories.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I am thankful
We sat on the porch of the house in Blairsville, enjoying the scenery of mountain tops covered in, what looked like, beautiful patchwork. The season is changing thus bringing alive the most brilliant of colors for us to admire. With nothing for us to do and no where for us to go, (just what we asked for by coming up here) our mouths did all the moving. As the hours went by, one by one, we all shared our stories of tragedy and triumph. The details of each were different, of course, but as the emotions flowed, I saw the common ground in which we all stood...thankful. Reliving some of our most painful memories, hot tears streaked our cheeks but this time, for me anyway, it was more out of joy than out of sorrow. It was with the ability to see with a God’s eye view. I had mourned for a great long while and thought I would never find a day where I would feel normal again but indeed it approached about two months ago and here I sat, able to tell my story in thankfulness...thankfulness...sorry, I have to say it again...thankfulness. It's very foreign to me that I could actually be thankful for the near death of my marriage but in reflecting on it, on that porch, with two of the most amazing women I have ever met, I could honestly say I was thankful. For that very reason, I was able to tell my story and remember my pain with gladness. In talking with my friends, I soon found out that they too were thankful for what they had gone through as well. It was the worst of times in our lives but, by choosing to walk with the Lord through it, we saw that it became the best of times. We crossed a line from understanding our Abba’s love for us to actually experiencing, feeling, knowing and growing in that love. I can honestly say that had it not been for my “near death experience”, I would not know the Lord like I do today. Had it not been for the tragedy that my marriage faced, I would not have the opportunity to invest in the lives of others the way God allows me to now and had it not been for walking in total darkness, I would have no clue what the ladies beside me had felt and my responses to them would be cold and rigid. I am thankful that my life fell apart two years ago. I am thankful my husband and I never gave up our fight. I am thankful God has fully restored us and I am thankful that He has made me thankful.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Joy is always available
Traffic was non-existent as we took a long Sunday drive down to south Griffin. The sun blazed in the clear blue skies but the early fall weather (early for Georgia anyway) brought a chilly breeze and cool crisp air. It truly was a perfect day. We pulled into the driveway of the Holloway home and my heart filled with anticipation. Seth, Jocelyn and I walked up to the door and gave it a subtle knock. We were received by a beautiful young girl and escorted to her father's room. John, the Bishop over our church only a short four years ago, now lay in a hospital bed with a home nurse at his side. A severe stroke put him in this state, causing a loss of speech, a brain bleed that brought on the removal of half his skull, as well as a clot that led to a partial leg amputation. What this horrible inncident did NOT take, besides some of the obvious things such as the ability to sustain life and understand others, was his joy and peace. His countenance proved this truth as our entrance into his world was met with a smile a million miles long which spread across his gleaming face. He muttered words we could not understand and held out his hand for us to take as a greeting. The expression of happiness continued as my husband administered communion. After receiving the elements, he gave us a blessing with the sign of the cross and as I went over by his side to say my farewell, he took my hand, pulled me in, and kissed my cheek. While the visit was short, it will be a memory I hold forever and though the intention of our visit was to bless him, I believe the greater blessing was given to us.
This man, whose life changed in an instant, who could have easily fallen into depression and given up on life a long time ago has chosen not to sell his peace for despair, has chosen to count it all joy, and has chosen to keep on following after God's own heart no matter what the circumstances. May it always be a reminder that no matter what may come, joy is always available in the side of the Lord.
This man, whose life changed in an instant, who could have easily fallen into depression and given up on life a long time ago has chosen not to sell his peace for despair, has chosen to count it all joy, and has chosen to keep on following after God's own heart no matter what the circumstances. May it always be a reminder that no matter what may come, joy is always available in the side of the Lord.
Friday, September 16, 2011
There's no place like Home
My first born and I have been sparce on one on one time together as of late due to pre-k starting. We have found it hard to adjust as we embark on this new adventure for we have been attached at the hip since she was born. Needless to say it was quite enjoyable to go into our basement/movie room, just her and me, and watch one of my favorites, a movie I have enjoyed since childhood. As the Wizard of Oz started, we sat hand and hand. I could not have asked for a more joyful moment then there on that couch with my Joci. She sat, intently watching, the entire movie and as Dorothy said her goodbyes just before leaving Oz, an unexpected lump crept into my throut. "Well, I... I think that it... that it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em... and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." I suppose I was thinking of her finding her own way into adulthood and the places she may venture to but mostly it was the hope that she will always find her hearts desire at home. I don't really mean home with her father and me, but home at the feet of our Abba. Most of us, at one point or another, wonders if where we are is where we belong, or if there is a place where we would be happier, more appreciated, more loved. We often seek out different things to try and fill this longing of something greater. We may momentarily find that in a foreign land doing foreign things, life is brighter than the place in which we left but when the newness wears off, it feels no different than what we had before. Our search for joy and peace can not be found in a different atmosphere or wearing a different identity but within the intimacies of Christ. When Christ gives joy, he gives it to it's fullest. John 15:11 says: "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Joy and peace are simple and unencumbered. They don't need anything to exist, only God and the portions He gives. My prayer is not only for my children to always have these virtues of Christ no matter what adventure life takes them on but that I/we all have and know it as well.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
You are forgiven, no strings attached.
"Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you, in thought, word, and deed, with what we have done and what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart and we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your son, Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us, that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways, to the glory of your name. Amen."
Every Sunday, the congregation of Christ the King (the church with which I am apart of), humbly bows on bended knee, if capable, and prays this prayer. Not one among us can stand with head held high, proclaiming that he has no need to confess, for we all know that the person to the right of us, to the left of us, to the front of and behind us but especially ourselves, falls short of God's glory. Thus we confess and repent. We do this so that we can be in right standing with our Lord. So that nothing is hindering us to delight in Him and walk in His ways but the confession, for most, is the easy part. It's walking away, knowing your garment carries no stain or evidence of your sin is where many of us get hung up.
It's obvious that Christ knows we are sinners so telling him that we are, is fairly easy, it's accepting His forgiveness that stops us short in our tracks. We feel that if we don't carry the guilt, the penalty, the burden of wounding others, then somehow we are not human. It feels almost wrong to accept forgiveness without first paying back the debt somehow. We don't feel it is right to go without seperation from God for the things we may have done or left undone. We feel the guilt will keep us in check, the burden will help us white knuckle through temptations, and time after time we lose. We lose because the more guilt we feel, the heavier the burden gets, the more an escape or a way to hide feels safer but all the while, we fall further and further away from our Lord, our Abba, and deeper and deeper into the entanglement of depression, lost battles, and sin we become. Right where our enemy wants us. He does not want us to accept forgiveness, to walk in freedom, to have the knowledge that God doesn't forgive us for us, but for himself so that he can love on us, cuddle with us, guide us, shepherd us. If we become accepting of God's love and forgiveness for ourselves, the freedom to love and forgive others would grow in abundance, changing the lives of many. It would be an epidemic, something the enemy and destroyer of our souls does not want in the least.
When Christ hung on the cross, He stood in front of you before the Lord and said, "I did it. I was the one who lied to my parents. I was the one who betrayed my best friend. I was the one who had an affair on my spouse. I was the one who abused drugs and alcohol, got behind the wheel of a car and killed an innocent life. It was me that hit my children in anger, cursed a life you created, aborted my unborn child. It was me that tore a family apart and spread rumors about one of my classmates. Blame me Father. I am the one to be punished, to bore this sin. Turn your eyes from me." Then after He took on all our sins, He turns to us and says, "You are forgiven. Will you accept that? Will you accept my gift of freedom? Go and sin no more."
I urge you, accept what our Christ has done for you, is doing everyday for you, and walk in guilt no more but in freedom. Help those around you who can not seem to grasp this reality but live in guilt constantly. Help them see that Christ is all about love, not condemnation, freedom, not chains, and relationship, not seperation.
Every Sunday, the congregation of Christ the King (the church with which I am apart of), humbly bows on bended knee, if capable, and prays this prayer. Not one among us can stand with head held high, proclaiming that he has no need to confess, for we all know that the person to the right of us, to the left of us, to the front of and behind us but especially ourselves, falls short of God's glory. Thus we confess and repent. We do this so that we can be in right standing with our Lord. So that nothing is hindering us to delight in Him and walk in His ways but the confession, for most, is the easy part. It's walking away, knowing your garment carries no stain or evidence of your sin is where many of us get hung up.
It's obvious that Christ knows we are sinners so telling him that we are, is fairly easy, it's accepting His forgiveness that stops us short in our tracks. We feel that if we don't carry the guilt, the penalty, the burden of wounding others, then somehow we are not human. It feels almost wrong to accept forgiveness without first paying back the debt somehow. We don't feel it is right to go without seperation from God for the things we may have done or left undone. We feel the guilt will keep us in check, the burden will help us white knuckle through temptations, and time after time we lose. We lose because the more guilt we feel, the heavier the burden gets, the more an escape or a way to hide feels safer but all the while, we fall further and further away from our Lord, our Abba, and deeper and deeper into the entanglement of depression, lost battles, and sin we become. Right where our enemy wants us. He does not want us to accept forgiveness, to walk in freedom, to have the knowledge that God doesn't forgive us for us, but for himself so that he can love on us, cuddle with us, guide us, shepherd us. If we become accepting of God's love and forgiveness for ourselves, the freedom to love and forgive others would grow in abundance, changing the lives of many. It would be an epidemic, something the enemy and destroyer of our souls does not want in the least.
When Christ hung on the cross, He stood in front of you before the Lord and said, "I did it. I was the one who lied to my parents. I was the one who betrayed my best friend. I was the one who had an affair on my spouse. I was the one who abused drugs and alcohol, got behind the wheel of a car and killed an innocent life. It was me that hit my children in anger, cursed a life you created, aborted my unborn child. It was me that tore a family apart and spread rumors about one of my classmates. Blame me Father. I am the one to be punished, to bore this sin. Turn your eyes from me." Then after He took on all our sins, He turns to us and says, "You are forgiven. Will you accept that? Will you accept my gift of freedom? Go and sin no more."
I urge you, accept what our Christ has done for you, is doing everyday for you, and walk in guilt no more but in freedom. Help those around you who can not seem to grasp this reality but live in guilt constantly. Help them see that Christ is all about love, not condemnation, freedom, not chains, and relationship, not seperation.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I couldn't make this up...Part II
So there we were, Christi and I, walking down the hall, leaving the hospital, thinking that meeting and praying for the family of Mrs. Pat Freeman was what God had in store for us. Believe me, we were perfectly content with that. We walked out into the well kept courtyard of the hospital, the sun blazing, the air thick with humidity, and were approached by a man. He was an elderly man. His white hair was neatly kept. His clothes where neatly pressed, collared shirt tucked into brown slacks. His slender body stood at about six foot two inches. The features of his face were very gentle and a little worn. Immediately conversation started. He began telling us about his wife of seven years. She was up on the eighth floor, the cancer ward, recuperating after having received an extremely intense round of chemo therapy. She was diagnosed with Lymphoma this past December and had received her last of twenty five treatments in all. The doctors were very hopeful that they had "gotten it all." If all would go well this evening, Linda and Allen would be heading to a hotel tomorrow for a short stay while frequent doctors visits would be manditory over the next couple of weeks before heading home. Home for them is close to Habersham, GA, a good little drive north of Emory Hospital. Allen went on and on about his new bride Linda, how they met, their adventures together, and how happy she made him after having lost his first wife of 35 years. "I can't be without her. I haven't left the hospital since we arrived 16 days ago." Christi and I were awe struck. Such a bitter sweet story. Finally I asked Allen if we could meet this amazing woman and with a look of joyful shock his response was, "Absolutely!" As we headed back into the hospital, I could see the surprise and nervous smile on Christi's face but she nodded to me as if to say, "Let's do it!"
Before entering into Mrs. Linda's room, we had to mask our faces and gown our bodies to prevent as few germs as possible from entering into her body. Her immune system had been quite depleted from all the treatments and it would be a major set back if she were to get sick. From the moment we entered and were introduced, Linda was grinning from ear to ear. Her smile lit up the room. Her noggin was as bald as a new born baby and just as perfectly round as you could get. She was beautiful and just as amazing as her husband described. After some time of getting to know each other, we didn't want to over stay our welcome, so we asked if we could pray over her before we left. With gleaming excitement, she agreed and stretched out her hands for us to hold. After our prayer was through, she said, "Before you girls leave, can I tell you a story?" With tears in her eyes, this is what she told us:
"A couple nights ago I spiked a fever of 104.6 and fell into a deep sleep. I saw myself standing at the top of a hill and across a deep valley was another hill where I saw all of my family and friends who have passed away. I was experiencing heaven. I was so excited and just kept praising and thanking God for bringing me here and couldn't wait to reunite with my loved ones. I began to run down the hill as fast as I could to get to the other side. Just as I reached the bottom, a hand (remember my mention of a hand earlier) reached out of the sky and placed itself on my chest. Colors and brightlights illuminated everything around me. It was more beautiful than I can find words to describe. I heard the voice of the Lord say, "It's not time yet Linda. You have a husband, children and grandchildren to enjoy for a little while longer. It's not time." Soon after, I woke up, and my fever had dropped. Girls, I am here to tell you, He is ALIVE. If you have ever doubted, doubt no more, He is real and He loves you with all His heart. HE LOVES YOU!"
As if that story wasn't enough, they went on to tell us that the doctors had found a blockage in Allen's heart about a week before Linda was diagnosed. Allen was refusing to go in for the procedure for fear of not being able to be there for his wife. She proceeded to tell him that he couldn't take care of her if he were dead so he went. After being prayed over by one of the hospital's orderlies, the doctors could no longer see the blockage. It was gone!
We walked out of the hospital in amazement. Jesus had just shown us amazing things and we were speechless the whole way home. The following day, we received an email from the sweet couple, telling us how much we blessed them (completely opposite in our eyes. We were the ones blessed by them.) and that Linda was able to leave the hospital that afternoon. Praise God! He is AWESOME!!!
Before entering into Mrs. Linda's room, we had to mask our faces and gown our bodies to prevent as few germs as possible from entering into her body. Her immune system had been quite depleted from all the treatments and it would be a major set back if she were to get sick. From the moment we entered and were introduced, Linda was grinning from ear to ear. Her smile lit up the room. Her noggin was as bald as a new born baby and just as perfectly round as you could get. She was beautiful and just as amazing as her husband described. After some time of getting to know each other, we didn't want to over stay our welcome, so we asked if we could pray over her before we left. With gleaming excitement, she agreed and stretched out her hands for us to hold. After our prayer was through, she said, "Before you girls leave, can I tell you a story?" With tears in her eyes, this is what she told us:
"A couple nights ago I spiked a fever of 104.6 and fell into a deep sleep. I saw myself standing at the top of a hill and across a deep valley was another hill where I saw all of my family and friends who have passed away. I was experiencing heaven. I was so excited and just kept praising and thanking God for bringing me here and couldn't wait to reunite with my loved ones. I began to run down the hill as fast as I could to get to the other side. Just as I reached the bottom, a hand (remember my mention of a hand earlier) reached out of the sky and placed itself on my chest. Colors and brightlights illuminated everything around me. It was more beautiful than I can find words to describe. I heard the voice of the Lord say, "It's not time yet Linda. You have a husband, children and grandchildren to enjoy for a little while longer. It's not time." Soon after, I woke up, and my fever had dropped. Girls, I am here to tell you, He is ALIVE. If you have ever doubted, doubt no more, He is real and He loves you with all His heart. HE LOVES YOU!"
As if that story wasn't enough, they went on to tell us that the doctors had found a blockage in Allen's heart about a week before Linda was diagnosed. Allen was refusing to go in for the procedure for fear of not being able to be there for his wife. She proceeded to tell him that he couldn't take care of her if he were dead so he went. After being prayed over by one of the hospital's orderlies, the doctors could no longer see the blockage. It was gone!
We walked out of the hospital in amazement. Jesus had just shown us amazing things and we were speechless the whole way home. The following day, we received an email from the sweet couple, telling us how much we blessed them (completely opposite in our eyes. We were the ones blessed by them.) and that Linda was able to leave the hospital that afternoon. Praise God! He is AWESOME!!!
I couldn't make this up.
Last Saturday evening, Christi and I left our women's conference to go and visit another friend of ours and her husband. Dave and Edwina were at Emory University Hospital. A major opporation had been performed on Dave's lung and they were trying to get his pain levels under control before releasing him. Hours before we arrived for our visit with this wonderful couple, the Lord had given me specific instructions for how our visitation was to go with them and also that we were to visit with other patients as well. As the emotions of excitement and nervousness welled up inside my chest, I was overtaken with amazing joy. The willingness of my dear friend to go with me into these strangers' rooms was especially comforting and I knew God had something amazing in store for us.
The hospital was marbled with beautiful architecture and stained glass. It was not your typical setting, at least on the main level. As we made our way down the hall, Christi following behind me, I felt a hand push on my arm. I turned to ask my friend what it was that she needed to which I received a very confused look. "I didn't say anything." She replied to my question. "Oh, you just touched my arm, I thought maybe you needed something," I said. "I didn't touch your arm either," came her response. "Huh? Weird," I said as I slowed my pace. "Uh, Joy, we just passed the doors to the hospital chapel when you asked if I touched your arm, maybe we should go in. The Lord may have something in there for us." Half expecting ghosts to be flying around with hands pushing us around, my mind reeled. We slowly opened the doors. Nope, no ghosts, in fact the place was empty, phew! I could now put down my pre-dialed phone to the ghost busters. ;-) The chapel was small with dimed lighting, coated in church burgundy (you know the color I'm talking about), and a huge bible placed on a pedistal with a bright spot light alluminating it's words. Christi immediately went to the scripture while I roamed around, looking at the different pictures and the guest list. She brought me over to read the passage that the large bible had been opened to. This was the verse that stuck out to us: Matthew 25:35-36 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." For us it was confirmation that we were there to visit more than just our friends.
We visited with Edwina for a while and it was wonderful to see her smiling face. Dave was off getting x-rays so our time with him was short but very sweet. Before we left, we gathered in a circle to hold hands and pray over Dave's recovery and the Lord wanted to hear us worship, so we sang:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
The hospital was marbled with beautiful architecture and stained glass. It was not your typical setting, at least on the main level. As we made our way down the hall, Christi following behind me, I felt a hand push on my arm. I turned to ask my friend what it was that she needed to which I received a very confused look. "I didn't say anything." She replied to my question. "Oh, you just touched my arm, I thought maybe you needed something," I said. "I didn't touch your arm either," came her response. "Huh? Weird," I said as I slowed my pace. "Uh, Joy, we just passed the doors to the hospital chapel when you asked if I touched your arm, maybe we should go in. The Lord may have something in there for us." Half expecting ghosts to be flying around with hands pushing us around, my mind reeled. We slowly opened the doors. Nope, no ghosts, in fact the place was empty, phew! I could now put down my pre-dialed phone to the ghost busters. ;-) The chapel was small with dimed lighting, coated in church burgundy (you know the color I'm talking about), and a huge bible placed on a pedistal with a bright spot light alluminating it's words. Christi immediately went to the scripture while I roamed around, looking at the different pictures and the guest list. She brought me over to read the passage that the large bible had been opened to. This was the verse that stuck out to us: Matthew 25:35-36 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." For us it was confirmation that we were there to visit more than just our friends.
We visited with Edwina for a while and it was wonderful to see her smiling face. Dave was off getting x-rays so our time with him was short but very sweet. Before we left, we gathered in a circle to hold hands and pray over Dave's recovery and the Lord wanted to hear us worship, so we sang:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. - My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! - And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
- The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It was angelic. The hospital walls echoed of his praises. Tears of joy flowed from our faces and Christ's love spilled out into the hallway. As soon as we finished, we had one of the other patient's family members come in and thank us for doing that, for he was very blessed and touched. His mother-in-law was in the room next door recovering from a major surgery as well. Pat Freeman is now on our prayer list and we know God will do great things for her.
As if that whole scene was not enough, God had more in store for me and Christi, something even more amazing and wonderful, more than our hearts could image.
I am out of time, and must be off to pick up my daughter from school as well as get dinner prepared. I promise I will write again soon. You won't want to miss what's coming up next!
Friday, August 5, 2011
If Jesus stood in front of abortion clinics
I recently had a friend "rant about abortion" (her words, not mine) on her facebook page. She was feeling very convicted and concerned for the mothers entering into abortion clinics and being bombarded by "Christians". She felt calling these women horrible names and nailing them to the cross on their way in to their appointment was very un-Christlike and should not be happening by our fellow Christian brothers and sisters. Of course I completely agreed with her and am not exactly sure where she saw this happening but I can only image that if Christ had the opportunity to talk to a woman before entering into one of those clinics it would go a little something like this:
Two rocking chairs, on the walk way of an abortion clinic, sat swaying to and fro, one's movement was caused by the wind and the other's by it's occupant; a man with gentle and stricking features. He sat poised and relaxed, enjoying the sun as it warmed his face. As the woman walked past, shoulders down, her face sullen, her steps determaind, the man spoke; breaking through her concentration, calling her by name. "Beloved!" His voice, almost a whisper, echoed in her soul. "Where are you going?" Her cutting glance his way spoke for her as if to say, "Where do you think?" "Come, sit with me a while. The breeze is nice today and the lover of your soul awaits you in this chair", he reponsed. Her body grew tense, and blood rushed into her face. "I do not need this today." she thought. She tried to hurry past but found that her legs would not respond to her commands and instead she found herself right in front of him, unable to move. "I know him." the man said. Her eyes brows pushed their way down her wrinkled forehead and a knot swelled in her throat causing her lips to tighten, giving way to yet another answer that was given by her expression as if to say, "Who?" "Your son." He pointed to her womb. "I have plans for him. Plans that will prosper him, not harm him. Plans to give him a hope and a future." Hoping against all hope, the man waited, still, quiet, and gentle, stretching out his hand, inviting her to sit beside him. "I promise there is a better way."
Her response is not my story to write. Regardless, whatever her actions, they will not sway Christ's love for her. We pray she will choose to follow Him. We pray that though Christ is not actually here in person, that the ministers that are called to talk to these women are seeking out HIS actions and we pray for the unborn, that their lives be saved.
Two rocking chairs, on the walk way of an abortion clinic, sat swaying to and fro, one's movement was caused by the wind and the other's by it's occupant; a man with gentle and stricking features. He sat poised and relaxed, enjoying the sun as it warmed his face. As the woman walked past, shoulders down, her face sullen, her steps determaind, the man spoke; breaking through her concentration, calling her by name. "Beloved!" His voice, almost a whisper, echoed in her soul. "Where are you going?" Her cutting glance his way spoke for her as if to say, "Where do you think?" "Come, sit with me a while. The breeze is nice today and the lover of your soul awaits you in this chair", he reponsed. Her body grew tense, and blood rushed into her face. "I do not need this today." she thought. She tried to hurry past but found that her legs would not respond to her commands and instead she found herself right in front of him, unable to move. "I know him." the man said. Her eyes brows pushed their way down her wrinkled forehead and a knot swelled in her throat causing her lips to tighten, giving way to yet another answer that was given by her expression as if to say, "Who?" "Your son." He pointed to her womb. "I have plans for him. Plans that will prosper him, not harm him. Plans to give him a hope and a future." Hoping against all hope, the man waited, still, quiet, and gentle, stretching out his hand, inviting her to sit beside him. "I promise there is a better way."
Her response is not my story to write. Regardless, whatever her actions, they will not sway Christ's love for her. We pray she will choose to follow Him. We pray that though Christ is not actually here in person, that the ministers that are called to talk to these women are seeking out HIS actions and we pray for the unborn, that their lives be saved.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Comfortable in my own skin
Imagine me roaming the halls of my high school, decked out in the color red from head to toe. I was a freshman and head over heels for this "bad" boy who was a part of a gang called the Bloods. He was very involved in drugs and very dedicated to his gang family and in order to have him look my way and consider me as a "girlfriend", I had to change my appearance quite a bit. It worked. Within a few weeks we were "going out" (we weren't going anywhere in fact, but that's what we used to call going steady.) I began learning the behaviors of this life. I snubbed those who were in opposing gangs, began speaking in slag terms, cursing, making fun of the "goody goodies", and became quite the introvert towards my family, mainly staying in my room. I got good at sneaking around. I wasn't even suppose to have boyfriends (the rule in my parents home as it stood) but I would meet up with him at the bowling alley when I was suppose to be at a friends house or get on the phone with him after my parents had gone to sleep. I made it work so that I could hold his affection. However, underneath it all, I was itching and scratching, completely uncomfortable with my skin, with my own behavior but just too scared to try and discover what I would find rest in. I feared I would not be accepted, chosen, or loved. Luckily the red faded, the "boyfriend" got arrested and summer along with a little bit of God/self discovery took place and I moved into a new place in my life. Thus starting the journey of my relationship with my Abba.
A few weeks ago, I became numb. The Lord was working on my heart and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I threatened my husband with divorce, began looking for jobs, started looking at prices of apartments, and allowed nothing that the Lord was saying, directly to me or through my husband, to penetrate my heart. This went on for 4 days but has reared it's ugly head for the past two years. I have been scared out of my mind to fall into complete vulnerablility and complete trust of the undying love of the Lord. Again, I had the feeling of being itchy and scratchy. This behavior, though it seemed safe on the surface, had left me feeling extremely uncomfortable. Deep down inside, I was wanting to be stopped, hoping to be fought for, wishing for someone to yank me back into the light but it never came. After fighting for me/ with me for two years, Seth stepped back, my friends grew quiet, and there I was, alone, or so I felt. Then with his ever so gentle ways the Lord asked, "Are you done yet? Are you ready to accept this place I have put you in, trust that no matter what happens I will never leave nor forsake you, that my love will always rescue you? Are you? Are you ready to feel comfortable in your own skin? To be what I have created you to be?, Holy and dearly loved. I am inviting you to look like what you already are. Will you trust me to do that for you? Let me PERMANENTLY" (I emphasize that because I have allowed it to be done in the past only to put it right back on when things got scary) "take off your woolen clothes of fear, doubt, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness and pride and dress you in the fine linen of confidence, trust, forgiveness, humility, and love." I am willing Abba. I am willing. And I will admit, submitting to the Lord's invitation has made me more comfortable in this skin that He has dressed me in than I have ever been.
When we are confident that we are loved, we are able to trust in the ways God calls us to live. We no longer feel alone, abandoned, or afraid to live out of what we THINK we know but confident to live out of what we are SURE we know; God's love, agape love - to be desired, longed after, the love that consumes, the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection. Knowing we are loved like that gives us the freedom to live in peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, patience, and joy and it feels GOOD!
A few weeks ago, I became numb. The Lord was working on my heart and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I threatened my husband with divorce, began looking for jobs, started looking at prices of apartments, and allowed nothing that the Lord was saying, directly to me or through my husband, to penetrate my heart. This went on for 4 days but has reared it's ugly head for the past two years. I have been scared out of my mind to fall into complete vulnerablility and complete trust of the undying love of the Lord. Again, I had the feeling of being itchy and scratchy. This behavior, though it seemed safe on the surface, had left me feeling extremely uncomfortable. Deep down inside, I was wanting to be stopped, hoping to be fought for, wishing for someone to yank me back into the light but it never came. After fighting for me/ with me for two years, Seth stepped back, my friends grew quiet, and there I was, alone, or so I felt. Then with his ever so gentle ways the Lord asked, "Are you done yet? Are you ready to accept this place I have put you in, trust that no matter what happens I will never leave nor forsake you, that my love will always rescue you? Are you? Are you ready to feel comfortable in your own skin? To be what I have created you to be?, Holy and dearly loved. I am inviting you to look like what you already are. Will you trust me to do that for you? Let me PERMANENTLY" (I emphasize that because I have allowed it to be done in the past only to put it right back on when things got scary) "take off your woolen clothes of fear, doubt, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness and pride and dress you in the fine linen of confidence, trust, forgiveness, humility, and love." I am willing Abba. I am willing. And I will admit, submitting to the Lord's invitation has made me more comfortable in this skin that He has dressed me in than I have ever been.
When we are confident that we are loved, we are able to trust in the ways God calls us to live. We no longer feel alone, abandoned, or afraid to live out of what we THINK we know but confident to live out of what we are SURE we know; God's love, agape love - to be desired, longed after, the love that consumes, the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection. Knowing we are loved like that gives us the freedom to live in peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, patience, and joy and it feels GOOD!
Monday, July 25, 2011
I missed the "Grace Boat"
In the warm summer breeze, I sat in a chair under our carport and watched my children play in the yard. The grill blazed beside me waiting for rather large steaks to be thrown upon it's flames (which is always exciting for a grill and for a family that rarely eats good steak). A part from all this excitement, it also seemed to be the perfect time to crack open the book I had been itching to read and before I knew it, I was 40 pages in with tears streaming down my face. It's as if this book was taylor made just for me which is ironic because it's called The Fitting Room. It's basis comes from Col. 3:12 which tells us to "clothe" ourselves in classic Christian virtues such as peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, and patience. I know what you are thinking, just another "self help" book telling us what we need to do to be "better Christians" but surprisingly enough, it has turned out to not be as condeming as one would think.
I can't really pin point where my thoughts of "as long as I do what is right I will be found worthy" come from. It is possible that it rooted itself in me as a child growing up with parents that demanded respect (and rightfully so) or from wounds inflicted upon me as a young woman in the dating world being constantly wounded or perhaps just an expectation I placed upon myself somewhere along the way. Never the less, it has been my behavioral reference for a very long time but within the first two chapters of this book (backed up with scripture), I am discovering that I have it all backwards. It's not because I do the right things that I am found worthy, BUT rather because I am worthy, I have the privelege of doing the right things. WHAT??? This whole concept has certainly thrown me for a loop. The virtues of Christ are that of silk and fine linen but putting them on doesn't make me a christian, rather because I am a christian, I have the privelege of putting them on. I missed this concept somewhere along the way. I am one of those people that can say that there has never been a day in all my life that I didn't know and love Jesus and because of that reason, I suppose I never felt "chosen". I don't have some great testimony that will win the hearts of many but that doesn't mean that I have it all together either. In fact, as you have just read, I have it, or did have it, a bit upside down. All this time, I have beaten myself up and willed myself to "act right" so that I could portray Christ the way I felt he should be shown to the world, and I have taken lots of pride in myself and my ability to "keep away" from a life entangled in massive amounts of sin. (You like how I just measured that? That has judgement written all over it. ;-) ) I think that because this has been my life for as long as I can remember, I missed the "grace boat". With every sermon I have heard, with every bible study I've attended, with every other book (including the bible) that I have read, I have taken it as instruction instead of as an act of grace extended. God doesn't force me to act a certain way because I carry his name but because I carry his name, because he chose me, because while weaving the threads of the sun and moon, because while bringing the ocean to the shore, and because while orchastrating all the universe into perfection, he placed his hand on my mother's womb and said, "She is mine, call her Joy", I get the honor to dress myself in linens of white and it is impossible for me to stain them. Still, among the thousand other things of importance that he has on his plate, He stops to converse with me, hold me, love on me, blush over me and with that he INVITES me to take off the scratching tattered wool that has been patched together with pain, unforgiveness, anger, abuse, and many other ugly pieces of clothe and put on his taylor made silk gown that fits like a glove. Um...WOW! Really? Should I refuse, he STILL and always will find me holy, worthy, and as a chosen one. But why would I refuse? Why would you? Yes, as my husband so cleverly stated earlier as we discussed this awesomeness, the wool has served it's purpose well. It has kept us warm and safe to a certain degree thus causing the fear that wells up inside of us when we think of taking it off, but we are missing our chance to go to the ball and dance with the Prince. Never the less, the Prince will wait, the clock will never strike mid-night, and you/ I will never miss our carriage that will take us there but the gown is waiting in our closets ready to be put on.
...and all this in just the first few chapters. I'll keep you updated on more revelations as I continue on. Please be in prayer over me during my journey and I too will be praying for you all.
I can't really pin point where my thoughts of "as long as I do what is right I will be found worthy" come from. It is possible that it rooted itself in me as a child growing up with parents that demanded respect (and rightfully so) or from wounds inflicted upon me as a young woman in the dating world being constantly wounded or perhaps just an expectation I placed upon myself somewhere along the way. Never the less, it has been my behavioral reference for a very long time but within the first two chapters of this book (backed up with scripture), I am discovering that I have it all backwards. It's not because I do the right things that I am found worthy, BUT rather because I am worthy, I have the privelege of doing the right things. WHAT??? This whole concept has certainly thrown me for a loop. The virtues of Christ are that of silk and fine linen but putting them on doesn't make me a christian, rather because I am a christian, I have the privelege of putting them on. I missed this concept somewhere along the way. I am one of those people that can say that there has never been a day in all my life that I didn't know and love Jesus and because of that reason, I suppose I never felt "chosen". I don't have some great testimony that will win the hearts of many but that doesn't mean that I have it all together either. In fact, as you have just read, I have it, or did have it, a bit upside down. All this time, I have beaten myself up and willed myself to "act right" so that I could portray Christ the way I felt he should be shown to the world, and I have taken lots of pride in myself and my ability to "keep away" from a life entangled in massive amounts of sin. (You like how I just measured that? That has judgement written all over it. ;-) ) I think that because this has been my life for as long as I can remember, I missed the "grace boat". With every sermon I have heard, with every bible study I've attended, with every other book (including the bible) that I have read, I have taken it as instruction instead of as an act of grace extended. God doesn't force me to act a certain way because I carry his name but because I carry his name, because he chose me, because while weaving the threads of the sun and moon, because while bringing the ocean to the shore, and because while orchastrating all the universe into perfection, he placed his hand on my mother's womb and said, "She is mine, call her Joy", I get the honor to dress myself in linens of white and it is impossible for me to stain them. Still, among the thousand other things of importance that he has on his plate, He stops to converse with me, hold me, love on me, blush over me and with that he INVITES me to take off the scratching tattered wool that has been patched together with pain, unforgiveness, anger, abuse, and many other ugly pieces of clothe and put on his taylor made silk gown that fits like a glove. Um...WOW! Really? Should I refuse, he STILL and always will find me holy, worthy, and as a chosen one. But why would I refuse? Why would you? Yes, as my husband so cleverly stated earlier as we discussed this awesomeness, the wool has served it's purpose well. It has kept us warm and safe to a certain degree thus causing the fear that wells up inside of us when we think of taking it off, but we are missing our chance to go to the ball and dance with the Prince. Never the less, the Prince will wait, the clock will never strike mid-night, and you/ I will never miss our carriage that will take us there but the gown is waiting in our closets ready to be put on.
...and all this in just the first few chapters. I'll keep you updated on more revelations as I continue on. Please be in prayer over me during my journey and I too will be praying for you all.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Big Girl - Little Doorway Syndrome
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”. Matthew 7: 13-14
Remember that scene from Alice in Wonderland where she tries to pass through a door but is far too big to fit? That scene depicted my emotions exactly as I read what Jesus was asking of me in Matthew, however long ago it was when I first read this passage. More often than I like to admit, in the dramatic fall of everything going wrong around me, I run headlong down that broad road like a bull seeing red. My emotions take control of my actions and destruction surely finds me as Christ warns. Apologies squeeze through my tight lips to try and alleviate the mess I created and mercifully the Lord forgives allowing me to walk away unscathed…until just recently.
This past week, I rolled my eyes and stormed out of a very public place where I am well known, flames shooting out of my ears and unfortunately caught some innocent bystanders on fire. The following day, I was approached, being told that I had hurt the feelings of those who thought my temper tantrum was directed towards them, and I felt awful. After apologizing a thousand times, (very willingly) and trying to explain it was not them that my anger was directed at, and hoping these innocents understood, the Lord began to sternly and lovingly show me how much my outbursts affect others. I certainly was not painting Christ in the correct manner with my behavior and the words of Christ in Matthew was shown to me once again only this time, I wasn’t allowed to just say, “Oh well, not for me” but actually take into account what they meant and put them into practice. Again... big girl, little doorway insecurities are creeping in and I am slightly in panic mode. I know that I can no longer ignore this command. I know that I HAVE to strive to change my behavior, lay down my emotions before the throne, trust the Lord to take them, and allow my actions to show His love instead of my flesh but I’ll be honest; this thing has not been a cake walk. I do not like it at all at the moment but at the same time, I feel like this change will happen in stages. Right now, because I do not have the discipline to speak the loving words of Christ in the middle of an argument, my instruction is to just remain quiet. I have learned that not only does this drive me crazy, but it also drives others crazy as well because they feel that I am ignoring them. However, I am to just pray that the Lord show them how he is dealing with me, that it is not them I am ignoring (mainly my husband ;-) ) but discovering self control for myself. Whew…it’s going to be a tough one. I regrettingly admit that I enjoy the occasional out of control, fly off the handle, outburst but my Abba doesn’t and that’s more important to me. So please pray for me...I'm gonna need it. ;-)
Abba Father – Help me to be pleasing in your sight in ALL that I do. I love you!
Friday, July 8, 2011
He knows my pain
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered Hebrews 5:7-8
I often pictured Christ as a "Yes" man. Whatever the Father told him to do, his answer was always, "Yes" and nothing more. It was very hard for me to relate to a man like that... imulate a man like that. So often, when the Lord tells me to do something, change something, or stop doing something, I kick and scream and cry and pout. Rarely my first response is a happy "Yes Lord, I will." So, needless to say, when I came across the above verses, I was extremely comforted and a bit shocked. Who knew that the perfect son of God struggled with what the Father commanded for his life. There Jesus was, laying on the ground, crying out to the Lord, asking him to not make him go through what he knew he would have to go through. He honestly did not want to be hung upon a cross as though he were a criminal. He did not want to feel the darkness of the situation, did not want to feel alone, and did not want to walk through the valley and thus, he begged His Father to let it pass over Him...just like me. :-)
Don't worry, I have not forgotten the most important part of these scriptures. I have not failed to notice the evidence of the true heart of Christ that is revealed at the tail end of these verses. Although he may not have WANTED to do what God the Father had asked of him, he DID do it because he wanted the Lord's will to be done through his obedience more than he wanted what he wanted. That is what I should cling to more than anything. I like having the knowledge that Christ struggled (it makes me feel less alone) but I love having the knowledge that he felt secure in the Lord's plans over his own. He trusted that the Father knew what he was doing and was obedient to his will and because he did so, he saved the world. WOW! What an amazing thing to be able to say. In my obedience to my Abba's plans, the world will not be saved from an eternal Hell, (Christ already took care of that) but certainly, amazing things are going to happen. The Lord has proven time and time again, in my people's lives and situations, that obedience to him makes a world of difference. He always knows best and will always pull me/you through.
Suffering teaches obedience
Obedience shows love
Love brings healing
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered Hebrews 5:7-8
I often pictured Christ as a "Yes" man. Whatever the Father told him to do, his answer was always, "Yes" and nothing more. It was very hard for me to relate to a man like that... imulate a man like that. So often, when the Lord tells me to do something, change something, or stop doing something, I kick and scream and cry and pout. Rarely my first response is a happy "Yes Lord, I will." So, needless to say, when I came across the above verses, I was extremely comforted and a bit shocked. Who knew that the perfect son of God struggled with what the Father commanded for his life. There Jesus was, laying on the ground, crying out to the Lord, asking him to not make him go through what he knew he would have to go through. He honestly did not want to be hung upon a cross as though he were a criminal. He did not want to feel the darkness of the situation, did not want to feel alone, and did not want to walk through the valley and thus, he begged His Father to let it pass over Him...just like me. :-)
Don't worry, I have not forgotten the most important part of these scriptures. I have not failed to notice the evidence of the true heart of Christ that is revealed at the tail end of these verses. Although he may not have WANTED to do what God the Father had asked of him, he DID do it because he wanted the Lord's will to be done through his obedience more than he wanted what he wanted. That is what I should cling to more than anything. I like having the knowledge that Christ struggled (it makes me feel less alone) but I love having the knowledge that he felt secure in the Lord's plans over his own. He trusted that the Father knew what he was doing and was obedient to his will and because he did so, he saved the world. WOW! What an amazing thing to be able to say. In my obedience to my Abba's plans, the world will not be saved from an eternal Hell, (Christ already took care of that) but certainly, amazing things are going to happen. The Lord has proven time and time again, in my people's lives and situations, that obedience to him makes a world of difference. He always knows best and will always pull me/you through.
Suffering teaches obedience
Obedience shows love
Love brings healing
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
There but not by choice
I snuggled into the couch with my boys at my side and started flipping through my dvr to see what we hadn't watched yet. There were a few shows and some movies that were available but none interested me so I went to the guide to do some channel surfing but Seth and Mack had spotted a movie on the dvr list that spiked their interest and I was over ruled. So I hit the play button and we were off in the adventure of "Taken". It's a thrilling movie about a man who's 17 year old daughter goes to Paris for the summer with her best friend. Unbeknownst to the father due to the lying of teenagers, his daughter and her friend would be traveling alone; no adult supervision. Very early on in the movie, the two young girls fall victim to a group of gang members who were in the business of trafficking kidnapped girls as prostitutes. It was extremely horrifying to watch but at the same time, also very sad because this type of thing actually happens.
I have a small, (ok..ok actually rather large) soap box that I like to stand on when it comes to pornography, prostitution, or any type of darkness that people can find themselves in that is closely related to these things. Most often we focus and worry about those who get sucked into this world as a passenger and rarely approach those who are "in the business" due to the false thinking that they are there by choice. The truth is there are so many situation where these girls (and sometimes boys) are bought/sold/forced into a lifestyle that uses them as sex objects. Even to the viewers, they are not honored as real people; one of God's creations. They are torn down and told they are only good for one thing and then made to feel that it is the truth when buyers come along and prove once again that they only want sex from them. It honestly breaks my heart. Now the other half of this "industry" consists of those who are "willing participants" but is that honestly the case? No, someone did not force them to be where they are. No one has kidnapped them into sex slavery but they are indeed enslaved by the enemy. They too are buying into the lies that they are not worth anything but only good for one thing. They have suffered injuries and endured wounds that allowed these lies to manifest in their minds and become their reality. They possibly were victims of rape, molestation, or any other kind of sexual abuse when they were just innocent little children. Think about it, no little girl or boy says, "I want to be a porn star or prostitute when I grow up." Something destroyed their little dreams along the way and threw them into the pits of hell. They have no clue of how to get out and I have not offered my help. Instead I have judged, cursed, and ignored these lost precious ones without thinking twice and many others have bought, watched, and lustfully looked on as they perform their acts. However, we are both guilty of keeping this "industry" alive.
I petition all of you to pray with me to destroy this evil cloud of darkness. That God give us all opportunities to share His love in some way and help deliver these lost ones out. With the porn industry alone bringing in millions upon millions of dollars, it may sound impossible but with our Savior, he tells us that NOTHING is impossible. If you have ever been in a place where you felt so entangled and trapped with out any hope of getting out, knowing it was not of the Lord but unsure on how to leave until God sent someone to come along side you, guide you, help you fight and win the victory; you know it is possible. I do. I have been in a similar place. Thankfully it did not lead me down the road of selling myself but it was a dark road, none the less and God in his mercy and love sent many to help save me and I am forever thankful. This is the very thing others are looking for and we should willingly give. So, again, just start with a prayer. Please join me in this fight. God can and will do amazing things.
I have a small, (ok..ok actually rather large) soap box that I like to stand on when it comes to pornography, prostitution, or any type of darkness that people can find themselves in that is closely related to these things. Most often we focus and worry about those who get sucked into this world as a passenger and rarely approach those who are "in the business" due to the false thinking that they are there by choice. The truth is there are so many situation where these girls (and sometimes boys) are bought/sold/forced into a lifestyle that uses them as sex objects. Even to the viewers, they are not honored as real people; one of God's creations. They are torn down and told they are only good for one thing and then made to feel that it is the truth when buyers come along and prove once again that they only want sex from them. It honestly breaks my heart. Now the other half of this "industry" consists of those who are "willing participants" but is that honestly the case? No, someone did not force them to be where they are. No one has kidnapped them into sex slavery but they are indeed enslaved by the enemy. They too are buying into the lies that they are not worth anything but only good for one thing. They have suffered injuries and endured wounds that allowed these lies to manifest in their minds and become their reality. They possibly were victims of rape, molestation, or any other kind of sexual abuse when they were just innocent little children. Think about it, no little girl or boy says, "I want to be a porn star or prostitute when I grow up." Something destroyed their little dreams along the way and threw them into the pits of hell. They have no clue of how to get out and I have not offered my help. Instead I have judged, cursed, and ignored these lost precious ones without thinking twice and many others have bought, watched, and lustfully looked on as they perform their acts. However, we are both guilty of keeping this "industry" alive.
I petition all of you to pray with me to destroy this evil cloud of darkness. That God give us all opportunities to share His love in some way and help deliver these lost ones out. With the porn industry alone bringing in millions upon millions of dollars, it may sound impossible but with our Savior, he tells us that NOTHING is impossible. If you have ever been in a place where you felt so entangled and trapped with out any hope of getting out, knowing it was not of the Lord but unsure on how to leave until God sent someone to come along side you, guide you, help you fight and win the victory; you know it is possible. I do. I have been in a similar place. Thankfully it did not lead me down the road of selling myself but it was a dark road, none the less and God in his mercy and love sent many to help save me and I am forever thankful. This is the very thing others are looking for and we should willingly give. So, again, just start with a prayer. Please join me in this fight. God can and will do amazing things.
Monday, June 13, 2011
He doesn't get it
An eight hour drive with two little ones and a teenager followed by two hours of grocery shopping at the busiest Kroger in the world can certainly take it out of a mom. Needless to say, excitement rose in my spirit when I met the sun the following morning, eating breakfast on the porch of my uncle's beach house. I was all alone and the only sound filling my ears was that of the ocean waves hitting the shore and there the Lord started to draw me into our time with Him. Ready for conversation to start, I strapped on my running shoes and nudged my sleeping husband awake to let him know I would soon be out the door. As he stumbled out of bed, I urged him to sleep in. The kids where still asleep and he was more than welcome to take "a break" as well. Through his grogginess he grumbled, "You could take a break too, you know. You don't HAVE to go running." It was then that I realized, he just doesn't get it and so I felt the need to explain. "Running or any kind of exercise for that matter, is my "break". While it does have it's physical benefits, it is all for my mental restoration. It is the only time when my mind goes blank and God can actually get some conversation in. Any other time, he has to listen to me blab. Even when I am working out with other people, God still finds a way into our conversations and is able to talk through them directly to my heart. It is a true time of worship. It is OUR time to work on our relationship. So my dear, this is my break." I said. With an understanding nod from Seth I was off. I carefully made my way through the dry sand so as to get a minimal amount in my shoes until I made it to the compacted path, and started my stride. I was in good company with many other like minded runners, who I can only assume "get it". It was glorious, but absolutely not for the weak. Running in the sand, dry or damp, is tough, tougher than I had remembered and during my struggle, I was crying out to the Lord for endurance and strength. If he didn't give it to me, I certainly was not going to make it. Right when I was about to give up and walk the rest of the way, I received what I had been asking for. My whines finally fell silent and my Abba was able to love on me and I on him. It was the same experience that I normally always have yet it feels new every time and I am so thankful and amazed by it.
I do guard this time with a passion, which may come across as me being obsessed with exercise or my body but it truly is a worshipful experience for me. With every goal that I reach, with every new thing that I find my physical body can do, I give all the glory to HIM. It is amazing to me that he is using the time that I devote to him to prove to me that I am capable of things I never dreamed of doing. I suppose he sees it as we parents do when we spend time with our children, teaching them something or doing what they enjoy, celebrating in their accomplishments and though they may think we are just there spending time with them, we are actually enjoying showing them their true potential thus growing our relationship with them. During these times with our kids, conversations take place, vulnerability happens and trust builds. It is exactly what is happening with me and the Lord. How cool is that?!?
Glory to my Abba! The best dad EVER!
I do guard this time with a passion, which may come across as me being obsessed with exercise or my body but it truly is a worshipful experience for me. With every goal that I reach, with every new thing that I find my physical body can do, I give all the glory to HIM. It is amazing to me that he is using the time that I devote to him to prove to me that I am capable of things I never dreamed of doing. I suppose he sees it as we parents do when we spend time with our children, teaching them something or doing what they enjoy, celebrating in their accomplishments and though they may think we are just there spending time with them, we are actually enjoying showing them their true potential thus growing our relationship with them. During these times with our kids, conversations take place, vulnerability happens and trust builds. It is exactly what is happening with me and the Lord. How cool is that?!?
Glory to my Abba! The best dad EVER!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Scars
I laid in bed the other night pondering scars. Why do we heal from our physical wounds yet keep a reminder of our trauma? Is this part of the fall/ sin? Quite possibly. Christ kept his scars to prove to the one who doubted that he was truly who he said he was. Without them, Thomas would have never believed. Scars seem to carry some significance. My thoughts went further still and I found myself examining scars of the heart. These normally are in the form of memories. Why do we keep them? Why is it when we heal from these wounds do the memories not fade. Yes, they become less painful and easier to talk about but we can recall them perfectly. They also seem to always carry defining moments in our lives. Again, they are significant. I have come to realize the things I have gone through, am going through, will continue to go through is very significant to my Abba. He, too, has felt every slash, gash, stab, and nick on my heart. I think He has not given me the ability to forget these things not because he wants me to remember the pain but to remind me of his love that got me through those times. Just as Christ kept his scars not to remind Thomas (and me for that matter) of the pain he went through but to show him what he went through because he loved us. I have loathed the way my scars looked for a long time (once I finally come to a place where they felt healed) but now I am beginning to appreciate their worth. Before receiving the wounds that caused these scars, my relationship with the Lord was strong but a bit shallow. My faith was there but had never been tested and my ability to share and relate with others was null. The truth about scars is that it shows healing has taken place so having them is actually a good thing. Christ's scars carry our healing. These marks show that I have allowed healing to take place, that I have allowed my Abba to wipe away the pain and leave His love behind and that I have allowed the scar tissue to build a band of resistance against my enemy. My scars are beautiful and I am learning to embrace them.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My Mountain Part II
Up to this point the Lord was continually filling me with His wisdom, not just on how to best navigate this mountain but in my life in general. All too often, I worry about how I am going to get to my destination and in doing so I get tripped up on the hurdles and miss out on the beauty that is right in front of me. Instead of relying on Him for guidance, I take control, get impatient, and try to rush to the finish. The many scriptures that say, "In His timing" still aggravate me at times because when I am ready to be done, I ready to be done NOW! The truth is, God's timing is not at all how we measure time. He is, was, and always will be. So when I am walking through a trial or learning something new that He has for me, it is to carry me through things ALWAYS, not just through this, this thing right now that I am facing. He, possible, sees it as preparing me for what is to come. When I have a victory or discovery or feel something revolutionary, it could be because of something that will come into play. Make sense? For example, I wrote this thing about Seth right before we got married. It was about him being surrounded by a city in ruins. The city represented his life but by the end of the day, he realized that the ground he had fallen to his knees on was the foundation in which he had built his life upon. The foundation being Christ and Christ brought him back to his feet, protected his family and would rebuild the city the way He had intended. After writing it, I was so overwhelmed with emotion and felt as if I had stumbled upon an insight into my husband. Little did I know that it would be five years later that this "writing" would actually take place. God knew! He prepared me for it without my realizing. He is, He was, and Always will be.
Back to my journey... Almost to the top, we could hear the wind whirling from all sides, as if it were spinning around the mountain like a cyclone. Peeking our interest, my gaze went to the clouds. They were motionless but just at that moment, my hair brushed across my face which was being warmed by the sun and breathlessly I sighed, "My Lord, such beauty you have created." With that He replied, "You are the beauty, my beloved." My hearted melted in a puddle on the ground and my vision blurred with tears. How could the one who created all this look upon my dirty face and see beauty? I was so humbled. I gathered my composure and we finished our way to the top which over looked the frozen lake below and again I was in awe. It was almost too much to absorb. The wind quieted down and I turned to my friend after what seemed like an eternity of just staring at this heavenly place and said, "Before we leave, let's read some scripture." Almost immediately, with her reading the first words, the wind whipped up again, from all around, engulfing us in every direction and again, I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears flowed. It felt like God, in all His power, was breathing down on us as we read His word. And with the last word read, the wind died down once more. "Let's pray." I said. And again, as I started glorifying His name in prayer, His breath was upon us. It was the most amazing experience and my words can not possible bring it justice. I know that the Lord is "not in the wind" but I truly believe He was showing us His gentle power through it.
That weekend was life changing and will never be forgotten. God taught me so much and tough I may stumble over the lessons He gave me during that time, I pray I will be able to always go back to them and be pleasing to His sight.
I love you Abba! Thank you for being so amazing.
Back to my journey... Almost to the top, we could hear the wind whirling from all sides, as if it were spinning around the mountain like a cyclone. Peeking our interest, my gaze went to the clouds. They were motionless but just at that moment, my hair brushed across my face which was being warmed by the sun and breathlessly I sighed, "My Lord, such beauty you have created." With that He replied, "You are the beauty, my beloved." My hearted melted in a puddle on the ground and my vision blurred with tears. How could the one who created all this look upon my dirty face and see beauty? I was so humbled. I gathered my composure and we finished our way to the top which over looked the frozen lake below and again I was in awe. It was almost too much to absorb. The wind quieted down and I turned to my friend after what seemed like an eternity of just staring at this heavenly place and said, "Before we leave, let's read some scripture." Almost immediately, with her reading the first words, the wind whipped up again, from all around, engulfing us in every direction and again, I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears flowed. It felt like God, in all His power, was breathing down on us as we read His word. And with the last word read, the wind died down once more. "Let's pray." I said. And again, as I started glorifying His name in prayer, His breath was upon us. It was the most amazing experience and my words can not possible bring it justice. I know that the Lord is "not in the wind" but I truly believe He was showing us His gentle power through it.
That weekend was life changing and will never be forgotten. God taught me so much and tough I may stumble over the lessons He gave me during that time, I pray I will be able to always go back to them and be pleasing to His sight.
I love you Abba! Thank you for being so amazing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
My Mountain
Several months ago, the Lord asked me to get away, away from the noise of my everyday life, and focus on Him. The pieces fell into to place and I headed up to the mountains of north Georgia. I wasn't sure what to expect. I was nervous, scared and very excited. Unsure of my directions, a dear friend led the way to my destination and embarked in the journey along side me, which I was very grateful for but also remained conscious that this was not to be a girl's weekend but a time to get refocused. My friend was very aware of the situation and promised to stay in prayer with me.
Close to the house I would be staying in was a trail that led up to the top of a mountain. We strapped on our backpack full of water, jackets, gloves, hats and started our two mile ascend towards the top. The energy was high, anticipation great, and scenery beautiful. It had just recently snowed. The mountain side was covered in white, the trees glistened of crystal in the sunlight and the path sparkled with ice. It felt dangerous which enthralled my interest on how this adventure would go but it did not cause me to relent but instead, pushed me forward. Engulfed with the sounds of trickling water from the melting snow and the whipping of the wind, my thoughts fell silent as I soaked in the glory of this place. Quickly on, the path brought us to a creek with an unclear way of how to get across. I began to feel panic rise as I searched to the safest rout. Then He spoke, "I will make your path clear and your steps sturdy. Just trust me." Almost immediately my eyes spotted to jutting stones that drew a line straight across. FRrrEeeAKY!! "Ok Lord, I'm hearing you." On, we climbed and the beauty became all consuming. I couldn't wait to see what was coming next thus causing me, several times, to stumble on the rocky ground beneath me. Again, His soothing voice came, "Anxiously you look too far ahead causing you to miss the beauty right in front of you and trip up on the obstacles. Focus on what is right here, Me. You will reach what the future holds soon enough."
To be continued...
Close to the house I would be staying in was a trail that led up to the top of a mountain. We strapped on our backpack full of water, jackets, gloves, hats and started our two mile ascend towards the top. The energy was high, anticipation great, and scenery beautiful. It had just recently snowed. The mountain side was covered in white, the trees glistened of crystal in the sunlight and the path sparkled with ice. It felt dangerous which enthralled my interest on how this adventure would go but it did not cause me to relent but instead, pushed me forward. Engulfed with the sounds of trickling water from the melting snow and the whipping of the wind, my thoughts fell silent as I soaked in the glory of this place. Quickly on, the path brought us to a creek with an unclear way of how to get across. I began to feel panic rise as I searched to the safest rout. Then He spoke, "I will make your path clear and your steps sturdy. Just trust me." Almost immediately my eyes spotted to jutting stones that drew a line straight across. FRrrEeeAKY!! "Ok Lord, I'm hearing you." On, we climbed and the beauty became all consuming. I couldn't wait to see what was coming next thus causing me, several times, to stumble on the rocky ground beneath me. Again, His soothing voice came, "Anxiously you look too far ahead causing you to miss the beauty right in front of you and trip up on the obstacles. Focus on what is right here, Me. You will reach what the future holds soon enough."
To be continued...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Why me?
Lent has passed along with the first week of Easter and my heart has been consistently anxious. It feels as if my training wheels have been taken off and I am to put into practice all I have learned over the past 40 days to make my ride successful but I will admit, it has not been. Easter morning, the Lord hit me with an amazing challenge and instead of pulling out all my notes, trusting in him, and gracefully excepting, I shifted my focus, became subject to fear and fell flat on my face. Still, I am fighting discouragement, depression, and asking for a way out of this glorious opportunity that he has placed upon me. I suppose this is what Moses felt like when God told him he was to go talk with the Pharaoh (and in just typing those words, humility hits, tears blur my vision, and I can't seem to draw in a full breath of air.) I am so scared. "Me, Lord? Why not her, or him, anyone but me?" Now Isaiah is flooding my memory. "Here I am Lord, send me." That should be my attitude. For what greater, dangerous, amazing thing can be done than that of what God calls you to? There isn't one. The possibilities of hurt are endless but even greater is God's ability to use me and heal what has been broken. During this time, God has placed a song in my heart that I must share. It has played none stop in my ears, giving me encouragement and I hope it does the same for you all as well.
Jesus, please come*
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray
I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray
But don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
Wipe the dirt off my face
Hold me in your embrace
Your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen
On my knees here I fall
In spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Jesus, please come*
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray
I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray
But don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
Wipe the dirt off my face
Hold me in your embrace
Your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen
On my knees here I fall
In spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Please answer this prayer Lord, that I may have the courage to do what you have asked, walk in your love and Fear not!
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