Imagine me roaming the halls of my high school, decked out in the color red from head to toe. I was a freshman and head over heels for this "bad" boy who was a part of a gang called the Bloods. He was very involved in drugs and very dedicated to his gang family and in order to have him look my way and consider me as a "girlfriend", I had to change my appearance quite a bit. It worked. Within a few weeks we were "going out" (we weren't going anywhere in fact, but that's what we used to call going steady.) I began learning the behaviors of this life. I snubbed those who were in opposing gangs, began speaking in slag terms, cursing, making fun of the "goody goodies", and became quite the introvert towards my family, mainly staying in my room. I got good at sneaking around. I wasn't even suppose to have boyfriends (the rule in my parents home as it stood) but I would meet up with him at the bowling alley when I was suppose to be at a friends house or get on the phone with him after my parents had gone to sleep. I made it work so that I could hold his affection. However, underneath it all, I was itching and scratching, completely uncomfortable with my skin, with my own behavior but just too scared to try and discover what I would find rest in. I feared I would not be accepted, chosen, or loved. Luckily the red faded, the "boyfriend" got arrested and summer along with a little bit of God/self discovery took place and I moved into a new place in my life. Thus starting the journey of my relationship with my Abba.
A few weeks ago, I became numb. The Lord was working on my heart and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I threatened my husband with divorce, began looking for jobs, started looking at prices of apartments, and allowed nothing that the Lord was saying, directly to me or through my husband, to penetrate my heart. This went on for 4 days but has reared it's ugly head for the past two years. I have been scared out of my mind to fall into complete vulnerablility and complete trust of the undying love of the Lord. Again, I had the feeling of being itchy and scratchy. This behavior, though it seemed safe on the surface, had left me feeling extremely uncomfortable. Deep down inside, I was wanting to be stopped, hoping to be fought for, wishing for someone to yank me back into the light but it never came. After fighting for me/ with me for two years, Seth stepped back, my friends grew quiet, and there I was, alone, or so I felt. Then with his ever so gentle ways the Lord asked, "Are you done yet? Are you ready to accept this place I have put you in, trust that no matter what happens I will never leave nor forsake you, that my love will always rescue you? Are you? Are you ready to feel comfortable in your own skin? To be what I have created you to be?, Holy and dearly loved. I am inviting you to look like what you already are. Will you trust me to do that for you? Let me PERMANENTLY" (I emphasize that because I have allowed it to be done in the past only to put it right back on when things got scary) "take off your woolen clothes of fear, doubt, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness and pride and dress you in the fine linen of confidence, trust, forgiveness, humility, and love." I am willing Abba. I am willing. And I will admit, submitting to the Lord's invitation has made me more comfortable in this skin that He has dressed me in than I have ever been.
When we are confident that we are loved, we are able to trust in the ways God calls us to live. We no longer feel alone, abandoned, or afraid to live out of what we THINK we know but confident to live out of what we are SURE we know; God's love, agape love - to be desired, longed after, the love that consumes, the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection. Knowing we are loved like that gives us the freedom to live in peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, patience, and joy and it feels GOOD!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
I missed the "Grace Boat"
In the warm summer breeze, I sat in a chair under our carport and watched my children play in the yard. The grill blazed beside me waiting for rather large steaks to be thrown upon it's flames (which is always exciting for a grill and for a family that rarely eats good steak). A part from all this excitement, it also seemed to be the perfect time to crack open the book I had been itching to read and before I knew it, I was 40 pages in with tears streaming down my face. It's as if this book was taylor made just for me which is ironic because it's called The Fitting Room. It's basis comes from Col. 3:12 which tells us to "clothe" ourselves in classic Christian virtues such as peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, and patience. I know what you are thinking, just another "self help" book telling us what we need to do to be "better Christians" but surprisingly enough, it has turned out to not be as condeming as one would think.
I can't really pin point where my thoughts of "as long as I do what is right I will be found worthy" come from. It is possible that it rooted itself in me as a child growing up with parents that demanded respect (and rightfully so) or from wounds inflicted upon me as a young woman in the dating world being constantly wounded or perhaps just an expectation I placed upon myself somewhere along the way. Never the less, it has been my behavioral reference for a very long time but within the first two chapters of this book (backed up with scripture), I am discovering that I have it all backwards. It's not because I do the right things that I am found worthy, BUT rather because I am worthy, I have the privelege of doing the right things. WHAT??? This whole concept has certainly thrown me for a loop. The virtues of Christ are that of silk and fine linen but putting them on doesn't make me a christian, rather because I am a christian, I have the privelege of putting them on. I missed this concept somewhere along the way. I am one of those people that can say that there has never been a day in all my life that I didn't know and love Jesus and because of that reason, I suppose I never felt "chosen". I don't have some great testimony that will win the hearts of many but that doesn't mean that I have it all together either. In fact, as you have just read, I have it, or did have it, a bit upside down. All this time, I have beaten myself up and willed myself to "act right" so that I could portray Christ the way I felt he should be shown to the world, and I have taken lots of pride in myself and my ability to "keep away" from a life entangled in massive amounts of sin. (You like how I just measured that? That has judgement written all over it. ;-) ) I think that because this has been my life for as long as I can remember, I missed the "grace boat". With every sermon I have heard, with every bible study I've attended, with every other book (including the bible) that I have read, I have taken it as instruction instead of as an act of grace extended. God doesn't force me to act a certain way because I carry his name but because I carry his name, because he chose me, because while weaving the threads of the sun and moon, because while bringing the ocean to the shore, and because while orchastrating all the universe into perfection, he placed his hand on my mother's womb and said, "She is mine, call her Joy", I get the honor to dress myself in linens of white and it is impossible for me to stain them. Still, among the thousand other things of importance that he has on his plate, He stops to converse with me, hold me, love on me, blush over me and with that he INVITES me to take off the scratching tattered wool that has been patched together with pain, unforgiveness, anger, abuse, and many other ugly pieces of clothe and put on his taylor made silk gown that fits like a glove. Um...WOW! Really? Should I refuse, he STILL and always will find me holy, worthy, and as a chosen one. But why would I refuse? Why would you? Yes, as my husband so cleverly stated earlier as we discussed this awesomeness, the wool has served it's purpose well. It has kept us warm and safe to a certain degree thus causing the fear that wells up inside of us when we think of taking it off, but we are missing our chance to go to the ball and dance with the Prince. Never the less, the Prince will wait, the clock will never strike mid-night, and you/ I will never miss our carriage that will take us there but the gown is waiting in our closets ready to be put on.
...and all this in just the first few chapters. I'll keep you updated on more revelations as I continue on. Please be in prayer over me during my journey and I too will be praying for you all.
I can't really pin point where my thoughts of "as long as I do what is right I will be found worthy" come from. It is possible that it rooted itself in me as a child growing up with parents that demanded respect (and rightfully so) or from wounds inflicted upon me as a young woman in the dating world being constantly wounded or perhaps just an expectation I placed upon myself somewhere along the way. Never the less, it has been my behavioral reference for a very long time but within the first two chapters of this book (backed up with scripture), I am discovering that I have it all backwards. It's not because I do the right things that I am found worthy, BUT rather because I am worthy, I have the privelege of doing the right things. WHAT??? This whole concept has certainly thrown me for a loop. The virtues of Christ are that of silk and fine linen but putting them on doesn't make me a christian, rather because I am a christian, I have the privelege of putting them on. I missed this concept somewhere along the way. I am one of those people that can say that there has never been a day in all my life that I didn't know and love Jesus and because of that reason, I suppose I never felt "chosen". I don't have some great testimony that will win the hearts of many but that doesn't mean that I have it all together either. In fact, as you have just read, I have it, or did have it, a bit upside down. All this time, I have beaten myself up and willed myself to "act right" so that I could portray Christ the way I felt he should be shown to the world, and I have taken lots of pride in myself and my ability to "keep away" from a life entangled in massive amounts of sin. (You like how I just measured that? That has judgement written all over it. ;-) ) I think that because this has been my life for as long as I can remember, I missed the "grace boat". With every sermon I have heard, with every bible study I've attended, with every other book (including the bible) that I have read, I have taken it as instruction instead of as an act of grace extended. God doesn't force me to act a certain way because I carry his name but because I carry his name, because he chose me, because while weaving the threads of the sun and moon, because while bringing the ocean to the shore, and because while orchastrating all the universe into perfection, he placed his hand on my mother's womb and said, "She is mine, call her Joy", I get the honor to dress myself in linens of white and it is impossible for me to stain them. Still, among the thousand other things of importance that he has on his plate, He stops to converse with me, hold me, love on me, blush over me and with that he INVITES me to take off the scratching tattered wool that has been patched together with pain, unforgiveness, anger, abuse, and many other ugly pieces of clothe and put on his taylor made silk gown that fits like a glove. Um...WOW! Really? Should I refuse, he STILL and always will find me holy, worthy, and as a chosen one. But why would I refuse? Why would you? Yes, as my husband so cleverly stated earlier as we discussed this awesomeness, the wool has served it's purpose well. It has kept us warm and safe to a certain degree thus causing the fear that wells up inside of us when we think of taking it off, but we are missing our chance to go to the ball and dance with the Prince. Never the less, the Prince will wait, the clock will never strike mid-night, and you/ I will never miss our carriage that will take us there but the gown is waiting in our closets ready to be put on.
...and all this in just the first few chapters. I'll keep you updated on more revelations as I continue on. Please be in prayer over me during my journey and I too will be praying for you all.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Big Girl - Little Doorway Syndrome
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”. Matthew 7: 13-14
Remember that scene from Alice in Wonderland where she tries to pass through a door but is far too big to fit? That scene depicted my emotions exactly as I read what Jesus was asking of me in Matthew, however long ago it was when I first read this passage. More often than I like to admit, in the dramatic fall of everything going wrong around me, I run headlong down that broad road like a bull seeing red. My emotions take control of my actions and destruction surely finds me as Christ warns. Apologies squeeze through my tight lips to try and alleviate the mess I created and mercifully the Lord forgives allowing me to walk away unscathed…until just recently.
This past week, I rolled my eyes and stormed out of a very public place where I am well known, flames shooting out of my ears and unfortunately caught some innocent bystanders on fire. The following day, I was approached, being told that I had hurt the feelings of those who thought my temper tantrum was directed towards them, and I felt awful. After apologizing a thousand times, (very willingly) and trying to explain it was not them that my anger was directed at, and hoping these innocents understood, the Lord began to sternly and lovingly show me how much my outbursts affect others. I certainly was not painting Christ in the correct manner with my behavior and the words of Christ in Matthew was shown to me once again only this time, I wasn’t allowed to just say, “Oh well, not for me” but actually take into account what they meant and put them into practice. Again... big girl, little doorway insecurities are creeping in and I am slightly in panic mode. I know that I can no longer ignore this command. I know that I HAVE to strive to change my behavior, lay down my emotions before the throne, trust the Lord to take them, and allow my actions to show His love instead of my flesh but I’ll be honest; this thing has not been a cake walk. I do not like it at all at the moment but at the same time, I feel like this change will happen in stages. Right now, because I do not have the discipline to speak the loving words of Christ in the middle of an argument, my instruction is to just remain quiet. I have learned that not only does this drive me crazy, but it also drives others crazy as well because they feel that I am ignoring them. However, I am to just pray that the Lord show them how he is dealing with me, that it is not them I am ignoring (mainly my husband ;-) ) but discovering self control for myself. Whew…it’s going to be a tough one. I regrettingly admit that I enjoy the occasional out of control, fly off the handle, outburst but my Abba doesn’t and that’s more important to me. So please pray for me...I'm gonna need it. ;-)
Abba Father – Help me to be pleasing in your sight in ALL that I do. I love you!
Friday, July 8, 2011
He knows my pain
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered Hebrews 5:7-8
I often pictured Christ as a "Yes" man. Whatever the Father told him to do, his answer was always, "Yes" and nothing more. It was very hard for me to relate to a man like that... imulate a man like that. So often, when the Lord tells me to do something, change something, or stop doing something, I kick and scream and cry and pout. Rarely my first response is a happy "Yes Lord, I will." So, needless to say, when I came across the above verses, I was extremely comforted and a bit shocked. Who knew that the perfect son of God struggled with what the Father commanded for his life. There Jesus was, laying on the ground, crying out to the Lord, asking him to not make him go through what he knew he would have to go through. He honestly did not want to be hung upon a cross as though he were a criminal. He did not want to feel the darkness of the situation, did not want to feel alone, and did not want to walk through the valley and thus, he begged His Father to let it pass over Him...just like me. :-)
Don't worry, I have not forgotten the most important part of these scriptures. I have not failed to notice the evidence of the true heart of Christ that is revealed at the tail end of these verses. Although he may not have WANTED to do what God the Father had asked of him, he DID do it because he wanted the Lord's will to be done through his obedience more than he wanted what he wanted. That is what I should cling to more than anything. I like having the knowledge that Christ struggled (it makes me feel less alone) but I love having the knowledge that he felt secure in the Lord's plans over his own. He trusted that the Father knew what he was doing and was obedient to his will and because he did so, he saved the world. WOW! What an amazing thing to be able to say. In my obedience to my Abba's plans, the world will not be saved from an eternal Hell, (Christ already took care of that) but certainly, amazing things are going to happen. The Lord has proven time and time again, in my people's lives and situations, that obedience to him makes a world of difference. He always knows best and will always pull me/you through.
Suffering teaches obedience
Obedience shows love
Love brings healing
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered Hebrews 5:7-8
I often pictured Christ as a "Yes" man. Whatever the Father told him to do, his answer was always, "Yes" and nothing more. It was very hard for me to relate to a man like that... imulate a man like that. So often, when the Lord tells me to do something, change something, or stop doing something, I kick and scream and cry and pout. Rarely my first response is a happy "Yes Lord, I will." So, needless to say, when I came across the above verses, I was extremely comforted and a bit shocked. Who knew that the perfect son of God struggled with what the Father commanded for his life. There Jesus was, laying on the ground, crying out to the Lord, asking him to not make him go through what he knew he would have to go through. He honestly did not want to be hung upon a cross as though he were a criminal. He did not want to feel the darkness of the situation, did not want to feel alone, and did not want to walk through the valley and thus, he begged His Father to let it pass over Him...just like me. :-)
Don't worry, I have not forgotten the most important part of these scriptures. I have not failed to notice the evidence of the true heart of Christ that is revealed at the tail end of these verses. Although he may not have WANTED to do what God the Father had asked of him, he DID do it because he wanted the Lord's will to be done through his obedience more than he wanted what he wanted. That is what I should cling to more than anything. I like having the knowledge that Christ struggled (it makes me feel less alone) but I love having the knowledge that he felt secure in the Lord's plans over his own. He trusted that the Father knew what he was doing and was obedient to his will and because he did so, he saved the world. WOW! What an amazing thing to be able to say. In my obedience to my Abba's plans, the world will not be saved from an eternal Hell, (Christ already took care of that) but certainly, amazing things are going to happen. The Lord has proven time and time again, in my people's lives and situations, that obedience to him makes a world of difference. He always knows best and will always pull me/you through.
Suffering teaches obedience
Obedience shows love
Love brings healing
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