Comfortable in my own skin

Imagine me roaming the halls of my high school, decked out in the color red from head to toe.  I was a freshman and head over heels for this "bad" boy who was a part of a gang called the Bloods.  He was very involved in drugs and very dedicated to his gang family and in order to have him look my way and consider me as a "girlfriend", I had to change my appearance quite a bit.  It worked.  Within a few weeks we were "going out" (we weren't going anywhere in fact, but that's what we used to call going steady.)  I began learning the behaviors of this life.  I snubbed those who were in opposing gangs, began speaking in slag terms, cursing, making fun of the "goody goodies", and became quite the introvert towards my family, mainly staying in my room.  I got good at sneaking around.  I wasn't even suppose to have boyfriends (the rule in my parents home as it stood) but I would meet up with him at the bowling alley when I was suppose to be at a friends house or get on the phone with him after my parents had gone to sleep. I made it work so that I could hold his affection.  However, underneath it all, I was itching and scratching, completely uncomfortable with my skin, with my own behavior but just too scared to try and discover what I would find rest in.  I feared I would not be accepted, chosen, or loved.  Luckily the red faded, the "boyfriend" got arrested and summer along with a little bit of God/self discovery took place and I moved into a new place in my life.  Thus starting the journey of my relationship with my Abba.

A few weeks ago, I became numb.  The Lord was working on my heart and I was fighting it tooth and nail.  I threatened my husband with divorce, began looking for jobs, started looking at prices of apartments, and allowed nothing that the Lord was saying, directly to me or through my husband, to penetrate my heart.  This went on for 4 days but has reared it's ugly head for the past two years.  I have been scared out of my mind to fall into complete vulnerablility and complete trust of the undying love of the Lord.  Again, I had the feeling of being itchy and scratchy.  This behavior, though it seemed safe on the surface, had left me feeling extremely uncomfortable.  Deep down inside, I was wanting to be stopped, hoping to be fought for, wishing for someone to yank me back into the light but it never came.  After fighting for me/ with me for two years, Seth stepped back, my friends grew quiet, and there I was, alone, or so I felt.  Then with his ever so gentle ways the Lord asked, "Are you done yet?  Are you ready to accept this place I have put you in, trust that no matter what happens I will never leave nor forsake you, that my love will always rescue you?  Are you?  Are you ready to feel comfortable in your own skin?  To be what I have created you to be?, Holy and dearly loved.  I am inviting you to look like what you already are.  Will you trust me to do that for you?  Let me PERMANENTLY" (I emphasize that because I have allowed it to be done in the past only to put it right back on when things got scary) "take off your woolen clothes of fear, doubt, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness and pride and dress you in the fine linen of confidence, trust, forgiveness, humility, and love."  I am willing Abba.  I am willing.  And I will admit, submitting to the Lord's invitation has made me more comfortable in this skin that He has dressed me in than I have ever been.

When we are confident that we are loved, we are able to trust in the ways God calls us to live.  We no longer feel alone, abandoned, or afraid to live out of what we THINK we know but confident to live out of what we are SURE we know; God's love, agape love - to be desired, longed after, the love that consumes, the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection.  Knowing we are loved like that gives us the freedom to live in peace, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, patience, and joy and it feels GOOD!