Big Girl - Little Doorway Syndrome

“Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”.  Matthew 7: 13-14

Remember that scene from Alice in Wonderland where she tries to pass through a door but is far too big to fit?  That scene depicted my emotions exactly as I read what Jesus was asking of me in Matthew, however long ago it was when I first read this passage.  More often than I like to admit, in the dramatic fall of everything going wrong around me, I run headlong down that broad road like a bull seeing red.  My emotions take control of my actions and destruction surely finds me as Christ warns.  Apologies squeeze through my tight lips to try and alleviate the mess I created and mercifully the Lord forgives allowing me to walk away unscathed…until just recently.  

This past week, I rolled my eyes and stormed out of a very public place where I am well known, flames shooting out of my ears and unfortunately caught some innocent bystanders on fire.  The following day, I was approached, being told that I had hurt the feelings of those who thought my temper tantrum was directed towards them, and I felt awful.  After apologizing a thousand times, (very willingly) and trying to explain it was not them that my anger was directed at, and hoping these innocents understood,  the Lord began to sternly and lovingly show me how much my outbursts affect others.  I certainly was not painting Christ in the correct manner with my behavior and the words of Christ in Matthew was shown to me once again only this time, I wasn’t  allowed to just say, “Oh well, not for me” but actually take into account what they meant and put them into practice.  Again... big girl, little doorway insecurities are creeping in and I am slightly in panic mode.  I know that I can no longer ignore this command.  I know that I HAVE to strive to change my behavior, lay down my emotions before the throne, trust the Lord to take them, and allow my actions to show His love instead of my flesh but I’ll be honest; this thing has not been a cake walk.  I do not like it at all at the moment but at the same time, I feel like this change will happen in stages.  Right now, because I do not have the discipline to speak the loving words of Christ in the middle of an argument, my instruction is to just remain quiet.  I have learned that not only does this drive me crazy, but it also drives others crazy as well because they feel that I am ignoring them.  However, I am to just pray that the Lord show them how he is dealing with me, that it is not them I am ignoring (mainly my husband ;-) ) but discovering self control for myself.   Whew…it’s going to be a tough one.  I regrettingly admit that I enjoy the occasional out of control, fly off the handle, outburst but my Abba doesn’t and that’s more important to me.  So please pray for me...I'm gonna need it. ;-)

Abba Father – Help me to be pleasing in your sight in ALL that I do.  I love you!