Step Up

For so long, I refused help.  I wanted to be the one to walk others through their hard times but never allowed anyone to help me through mine.  I didn't want others to see me as "weak" or judge the way I was handling things and therefore I hid.  The very first time I opened up to a close friend of mine about all that was going on, she did the very things I was afraid of and drove me further into seclusion.  Healing didn't begin in my life until I asked for help and received counseling.  I prayed about letting others in and God prepared the way and my next experience with telling a friend showed more of God's love and was much more helpful.  I hate to say it but I have gotten pretty comfortable in this place.  The place where others help, while you lean on them for strength but I suppose it's time I start walking on my own now.

At every corner, I see hurt.  So many of my loved ones are facing hardships and trial.  My heart is burdened with what they must walk through.  I know no other way to help them but with prayer and fervently, I have.  I feel as if I am failing them some how though, as if I should be doing more.  Maybe it's God pressing my heart to do so.  I make excuses.  Recalling my time of darkness, I remember wishing everyone would just leave me alone and so I tell myself that is what they wish for as well but I can't be certain.  I am so worried that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and only push them further into despair rather than encourage them that I remain quiet, hoping they feel my prayers.  I am suppose to be laying down fear during this lent season and all of my efforts have been quite successful except for here, right here, in this place where I should be helping others be lifted up but instead freezing up.  I am very disappointed in myself.  This "I'm too scared" attitude has me screwing up in other areas, not being vulnerable to others, and not being who God wants me to be.  It has me blaming again, prideful again, and having self pity...again.  It's funny how when you aren't doing what God wants you to do everything else so easily swallows you back up...kind of like a big fish.  I have to stop this downward spiral, breathe in deep, step out on faith and be an Aaron for others in the way that so many have done for me.  I have to allow God to be in control and go before me, preparing the way.    It's time for me to step up.