There but not by choice

I snuggled into the couch with my boys at my side and started flipping through my dvr to see what we hadn't watched yet.  There were a few shows and some movies that were available but none interested me so I  went to the guide to do some channel surfing but Seth and Mack had spotted a movie on the dvr list that spiked their interest and I was over ruled.  So I hit the play button and we were off in the adventure of "Taken".  It's a thrilling movie about a man who's 17 year old daughter goes to Paris for the summer with her best friend.  Unbeknownst to the father due to the lying of teenagers, his daughter and her friend would be traveling alone; no adult supervision.  Very early on in the movie, the two young girls fall victim to a group of gang members who were in the business of trafficking  kidnapped girls as prostitutes. It was extremely horrifying to watch but at the same time, also very sad because this type of thing actually happens.

I have a small, (ok..ok actually rather large) soap box that I like to stand on when it comes to pornography, prostitution, or any type of darkness that people can find themselves in that is closely related to these things.  Most often we focus and worry about those who get sucked into this world as a passenger and rarely approach those who are "in the business" due to the false thinking that they are there by choice.  The truth is there are so many situation where these girls (and sometimes boys) are bought/sold/forced into a lifestyle that uses them as sex objects.  Even to the viewers, they are not honored as real people; one of God's creations.  They are torn down and told they are only good for one thing and then made to feel that it is the truth when buyers come along and prove once again that they only want sex from them.  It honestly breaks my heart.  Now the other half of this "industry" consists of those who are "willing participants" but is that honestly the case?  No, someone did not force them to be where they are.  No one has kidnapped them into sex slavery but they are indeed enslaved by the enemy.  They too are buying into the lies that they are not worth anything but only good for one thing.  They have suffered injuries and endured wounds that allowed these lies to manifest in their minds and become their reality.  They possibly were victims of rape, molestation, or any other kind of sexual abuse when they were just innocent little children.  Think about it, no little girl or boy says, "I want to be a porn star or prostitute when I grow up."  Something destroyed their little dreams along the way and threw them into the pits of hell.  They have no clue of how to get out and I have not offered my help.  Instead I have judged, cursed, and ignored these lost precious ones without thinking twice and many others have bought, watched, and lustfully looked on as they perform their acts.  However, we are both guilty of keeping this "industry" alive.

I petition all of you to pray with me to destroy this evil cloud of darkness.  That God give us all opportunities to share His love in some way and help deliver these lost ones out.  With the porn industry alone bringing in millions upon millions of dollars, it may sound impossible but with our Savior, he tells us that NOTHING is impossible.  If you have ever been in a place where you felt so entangled and trapped with out any hope of getting out, knowing it was not of the Lord but unsure on how to leave until God sent someone to come along side you, guide you, help you fight and win the victory; you know it is possible.  I do.  I have been in a similar place.  Thankfully it did not lead me down the road of selling myself but it was a dark road, none the less and God in his mercy and love sent many to help save me and I am forever thankful.  This is the very thing others are looking for and we should willingly give.  So, again, just start with a prayer.  Please join me in this fight.  God can and will do amazing things.

He doesn't get it

An eight hour drive with two little ones and a teenager followed by two hours of grocery shopping at the busiest Kroger in the world can certainly take it out of a mom.  Needless to say, excitement rose in my spirit when I met the sun the following morning, eating breakfast on the porch of my uncle's beach house.  I was all alone and the only sound filling my ears was that of the ocean waves hitting the shore and there the Lord started to draw me into our time with Him.  Ready for conversation to start, I strapped on my running shoes and nudged my sleeping husband awake to let him know I would soon be out the door.  As he stumbled out of bed, I urged him to sleep in.  The kids where still asleep and he was more than welcome to take "a break" as well.  Through his grogginess he grumbled, "You could take a break too, you know.  You don't HAVE to go running."  It was then that I realized, he just doesn't get it and so I felt the need to explain.  "Running or any kind of exercise for that matter, is my "break".  While it does have it's physical benefits, it is all for my mental restoration.  It is the only time when my mind goes blank and God can actually get some conversation in.  Any other time, he has to listen to me blab.  Even when I am working out with other people, God still finds a way into our conversations and is able to talk through them directly to my heart.  It is a true time of worship.  It is OUR time to work on our relationship.  So my dear, this is my break." I said.  With an understanding nod from Seth I was off.  I carefully made my way through the dry sand so as to get a minimal amount in my shoes until I made it to the compacted path, and started my stride.  I was in good company with many other like minded runners, who I can only assume "get it".  It was glorious, but absolutely not for the weak.  Running in the sand, dry or damp, is tough, tougher than I had remembered and during my struggle, I was crying out to the Lord for endurance and strength.  If he didn't give it to me, I certainly was not going to make it.  Right when I was about to give up and walk the rest of the way, I received what I had been asking for.  My whines finally fell silent and my Abba was able to love on me and I on him.  It was the same experience that I normally always have yet it feels new every time and I am so thankful and amazed by it.

I do guard this time with a passion, which may come across as me being obsessed with exercise or my body but it truly is a worshipful experience for me.  With every goal that I reach, with every new thing that I find my physical body can do, I give all the glory to HIM.  It is amazing to me that he is using the time that I devote to him to prove to me that I am capable of things I never dreamed of doing.  I suppose he sees it as we parents do when we spend time with our children, teaching them something or doing what they enjoy, celebrating in their accomplishments and though they may think we are just there spending time with them, we are actually enjoying showing them their true potential thus growing our relationship with them.  During these times with our kids, conversations take place, vulnerability happens and trust builds.  It is exactly what is happening with me and the Lord.  How cool is that?!?

Glory to my Abba!  The best dad EVER!

Scars

I laid in bed the other night pondering scars.  Why do we heal from our physical wounds yet keep a reminder of our trauma?  Is this part of the fall/ sin?  Quite possibly.  Christ kept his scars to prove to the one who doubted that he was truly who he said he was.  Without them, Thomas would have never believed.  Scars seem to carry some significance.  My thoughts went further still and I found myself examining scars of the heart.  These normally are in the form of memories.  Why do we keep them?  Why is it when we heal from these wounds do the memories not fade.  Yes, they become less painful and easier to talk about but we can recall them perfectly.  They also seem to always carry  defining moments in our lives.  Again, they are significant.  I have come to realize the things I have gone through, am going through, will continue to go through is very significant to my Abba.  He, too, has felt every slash, gash, stab, and nick on my heart.  I think He has not given me the ability to forget these things not because he wants me to remember the pain but to remind me of his love that got me through those times.  Just as Christ kept his scars not to remind Thomas (and me for that matter) of the pain he went through but to show him what he went through because he loved us.   I have loathed the way my scars looked for a long time (once I  finally come to a place where they felt healed) but now I am beginning to appreciate their worth.  Before receiving the wounds that caused these scars, my relationship with the Lord was strong but a bit shallow.  My faith was there but had never been tested and my ability to share and relate with others was null.  The truth about scars is that it shows healing has taken place so having them is actually a good thing.  Christ's scars carry our healing.  These marks show that I have allowed healing to take place, that I  have allowed my Abba to wipe away the pain and leave His love behind and that I have allowed the scar tissue to build a band of resistance against my enemy.  My scars are beautiful and I am learning to embrace them.

My Mountain Part II

Up to this point the Lord was continually filling me with His wisdom, not just on how to best navigate this mountain but in my life in general.  All too often, I worry about how I am going to get to my destination and in doing so I get tripped up on the hurdles and miss out on the beauty that is right in front of me.  Instead of relying on Him for guidance, I take control, get impatient, and try to rush to the finish.  The many scriptures that say, "In His timing" still aggravate me at times because when I am ready to be done, I ready to be done NOW!  The truth is, God's timing is not at all how we measure time.  He is, was, and always will be.  So when I am walking through a trial or learning something new that He has for me, it is to carry me through things ALWAYS, not just through this, this thing right now that I am facing.  He, possible, sees it as preparing me for what is to come.  When I have a victory or discovery or feel something revolutionary, it could be because of something that will come into play.  Make sense?  For example, I wrote this thing about Seth right before we got married.  It was about him being surrounded by a city in ruins.  The city represented his life but by the end of the day, he realized that the ground he had fallen to his knees on was the foundation in which he had built his life upon.  The foundation being Christ and Christ brought him back to his feet, protected his family and would rebuild the city the way He had intended.  After writing it, I was so overwhelmed with emotion and felt as if I had stumbled upon an insight into my husband.  Little did I know that it would be five years later that this "writing" would actually take place.  God knew!  He prepared me for it without my realizing.  He is, He was, and Always will be.

Back to my journey... Almost to the top, we could hear the wind whirling from all sides, as if it were spinning around the mountain like a cyclone.  Peeking our interest, my gaze went to the clouds.  They were motionless but just at that moment, my hair brushed across my face which was being warmed by the sun and breathlessly I sighed, "My Lord, such beauty you have created."  With that He replied, "You are the beauty, my beloved."  My hearted melted in a puddle on the ground and my vision blurred with tears.  How could the one who created all this look upon my dirty face and see beauty?  I was so humbled.  I gathered my composure and we finished our way to the top which over looked the frozen lake below and again I was in awe.  It was almost too much to absorb.  The wind quieted down and I turned to my friend after what seemed like an eternity of just staring at this heavenly place and said, "Before we leave, let's read some scripture."  Almost immediately, with her reading the first words, the wind whipped up again, from all around, engulfing us in every direction and again, I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears flowed.  It felt like God, in all His power, was breathing down on us as we read His word.  And with the last word read, the wind died down once more.  "Let's pray." I said.  And again, as I started glorifying His name in prayer, His breath was upon us.  It was the most amazing experience and my words can not possible bring it justice.  I know that the Lord is "not in the wind" but I truly believe He was showing us His gentle power through it.

That weekend was life changing and will never be forgotten.  God taught me so much and tough I may stumble over the lessons He gave me during that time, I pray I will be able to always go back to them and be pleasing to His sight.

I love you Abba!  Thank you for being so amazing.

My Mountain

Several months ago, the Lord asked me to get away, away from the noise of my everyday life, and focus on Him.  The pieces fell into to place and I headed up to the mountains of north Georgia.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I was nervous, scared and very excited.  Unsure of my directions, a dear friend led the way to my destination and embarked in the journey along side me, which I was very grateful for but also remained conscious that this was not to be a girl's weekend but a time to get refocused.  My friend was very aware of the situation and promised to stay in prayer with me.

Close to the house I would be staying in was a trail that led up to the top of a mountain.  We strapped on our backpack full of water, jackets, gloves, hats and started our two mile ascend towards the top.  The energy was high, anticipation great, and scenery beautiful.  It had just recently snowed.  The mountain side was covered in white, the trees glistened of crystal in the sunlight and the path sparkled with ice.  It felt dangerous which enthralled my interest on how this adventure would go but it did not cause me to relent but instead, pushed me forward.  Engulfed with the sounds of trickling water from the melting snow and the whipping of the wind, my thoughts fell silent as I soaked in the glory of this place.  Quickly on, the path brought us to a creek with an unclear way of how to get across.  I began to feel panic rise as I searched to the safest rout.  Then He spoke, "I will make your path clear and your steps sturdy.  Just trust me."  Almost immediately my eyes spotted to jutting stones that drew a line straight across.  FRrrEeeAKY!!  "Ok Lord, I'm hearing you."  On, we climbed and the beauty became all consuming.  I couldn't wait to see what was coming next thus causing me, several times, to stumble on the rocky ground beneath me.  Again, His soothing voice came, "Anxiously you look too far ahead causing you to miss the beauty right in front of you and trip up on the obstacles.  Focus on what is right here, Me.  You will reach what the future holds soon enough."

To be continued...

Why me?

Lent has passed along with the first week of Easter and my heart has been consistently anxious.  It feels as if my training wheels have been taken off and I am to put into practice all I have learned over the past 40 days to make my ride successful but I will admit, it has not been.  Easter morning, the Lord hit me with an amazing challenge and instead of pulling out all my notes, trusting in him, and gracefully excepting, I shifted my focus, became subject to fear and fell flat on my face. Still, I am fighting discouragement, depression, and asking for a way out of this glorious opportunity that he has placed upon me.  I suppose this is what Moses felt like when God told him he was to go talk with the Pharaoh (and in just typing those words, humility hits, tears blur my vision, and I can't seem to draw in a full breath of air.)  I am so scared.  "Me, Lord?  Why not her, or him, anyone but me?"  Now Isaiah is flooding my memory.  "Here I am Lord, send me."  That should be my attitude.  For what greater, dangerous, amazing thing can be done than that of what God calls you to?  There isn't one.  The possibilities of hurt are endless but even greater is God's ability to use me and heal what has been broken.  During this time, God has placed a song in my heart that I must share.  It has played none stop in my ears, giving me encouragement and I hope it does the same for you all as well.

 Jesus, please come*
Please come today
Hear me
Heal me
Be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
But in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Jesus, please come
Please come today
Break me
Mold me
Use me I pray

But don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
Wipe the dirt off my face
Hold me in your embrace
Your love always saves the day
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I have fallen so far
Flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
In spite of it all
Hallelujah
And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Please answer this prayer Lord, that I may have the courage to do what you have asked, walk in your love and Fear not!

Holy is the Lamb that was Slain

Last night started out as a celebration, some might say.  As the worship team started playing, you could literally see the holy spirit descend upon them.  With every note played, with every word sung, heaven opened up and the angels join in.  Lingering in the air was the reality of this day as we were there to reflect upon it's events.  Jesus sat down with his followers, his brothers, his friends, and became the lowest of low as he shared his last meal with them and washed each one of their feet.  He gave to them his last command before leaving this earth, to love one another as themselves, then went to the garden to pray.  He prayed not just for what was about to happen, but for his disciples and for those to follow...us.  Christ, in his knowledge of the upcoming events, took time to pray for you, for me, for our children and our children's children.  Then, he was taken away, betrayed by one of his dear friends with a kiss, and lead to slaughter.  As I sat in my seat, hearing our priest recall that night, hot tears flowed down my cheeks.  Once again the music resounded as we rose to process to the alter and share in communion.  After returning to our chairs, the joyful noises were cut short.  Each priest, deacon, and worship team member removed their robs and the sanctuary was engulfed in complete darkness.  The voice of our Bishop pierced the silence with these words, "On your way out, do not reverence the cross.  Our Lord has been taken away.  It is a dark time."   The life rushed out of me, and sobs uncontrollable came.  It, indeed, felt dark.

Today, our Lord, was traded in for a murderer and beaten beyond recognition.  His flesh hung from his bones and he said not a word.  In their mocking, the Roman soldiers who were holding him prisoner, placed a crown of thorns upon his head, stripped him naked and spit in his face.  In their "thoughtfulness" they covered his naked body back up for the long journey to Golgatha.  Beaten, weak, and soaked in his own blood, he carried his cross. Reaching the place where he would be crucified, the soldiers stripped Jesus once again, tearing open the wounds that had dried to the clothing.  Placing the cross on the ground and his body on top of the cross, the nails were hammered into his hands and feet with brute force.  The air was pushed out of his lungs as the cross was brought upright and slammed into it's secured place.  There our sins were placed upon this blemish free lamb and the Father could not look upon him.  "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me." he cried out as he felt the absence of his Abba.  When he had suffered enough, with his last breath, he exclaimed, "It is finished."

Can you imagine?  All of this for you, for me?  Willingly he did this for just a glimpse of our faces, of our love, so that we could be in relationship with him.  I am speechless, humbled, and so very thankful and I can NOT wait for Sunday!