The Ripple Affect

My son walked through the door in his usual way, ever so quietly, hoping to sneak past to avoid my twenty questions.  Despite his efforts, I caught him and started in.  "How was your day?  Did you finish all your school work?  What homework do you have?  Are you caught up on your reading?"  His answers were very short and evading which led me to pry more.  You know what I'm talking about moms.  To shorten the length of this lengthy tale, he was a bit behind with no real answers as to why.  Needless to say, I was at my wits end.  We have done this song and dance for more years than I wish to remember and thus called my husband to vent.  He too was at a loss.  With Mack upset because I had him doing his homework in front of me and Seth on his way to his counseling session, God began to work without my knowledge.  When Seth walked through the door, frustration rose between father and son and the battle of our son's heart began.   The father began to ask the difficult questions that made the son unsure of himself.  "Do you think you have what it takes?  Do you think you are perfect the way you are?  Are you proud of your heart?"  With tears in his eyes, the young man just shook his head.

Flash back two years ago, same scenario, only skip the "Seth going to counseling" part and in he walks, frustration rises and the father's question sound something like this.  "What is wrong?  Why can't you just do what you are told to do?  Why aren't you succeeding?"  Tears would roll and each would go their separate ways.

Back to present day:  After seeing the sorrow in our son's heart, Seth and I do not relent.  We are BOTH able to see what is going on here.  Satan has our boy's head wrapped up in lies and we are about to put up a fight.  Mack has such an amazing heart for others.  He is loving, compassionate, and self sacrificing to a fault and he has expressed that his peers at school find him "weird".  A lie straight from the depths of hell but still there is some withdrawal coming from Mack.  I spoke up, "Your dad is so proud of you Mack, but the enemy wants you to believe he's not.  He wants you to believe your dad wished he had a different son.  He wants you to believe your dad wishes you were different."  We watched as our precious one crumpled.  I hit a nerve, a wound, a lie Mack had been believing for a long time and to his aid we ran.  Seth began to speak truth into the darkened place the only way a father can and as best we could we instructed our son in how to spot his enemy and overcome him.  The most amazing thing I could have heard in that moment came, "I felt Satan leave." Mackenzie said.  THANK YOU JESUS!!!

The Lord of omnipresence knew this night was coming and prepared the way.  It took the father starting his journey to healing in order for the son to begin his...a beautiful ripple affect.  Though, in our minds, it took a long time to reach this point, it was all at the same time for our Abba.  He is, and was, and is to come.  All is working out for His glory and we praise His name for it!

A Dark and Stormy Night

I have thought about it and tried in every way possible to spin this into God teaching me a lesson some how but let's be honest, it's just not happening, why? simply because it is laughable and He probably got a good laugh too.  So here is my spin on Tuesday night's event.

It was a dark and stormy night at the McGee's
With nothing on the tube, if you please
So to pass the time with a little fun
Mr and Mrs starting picking, and tickling, and relenting none
Rings came off, and the boxing began
A One, two punch in Mr. McGee's hand
He blocked her playful blows with the reflex of a cat
But Mrs. McGee had a trick in her hat
She distracted him with her flailing moves
Then came up with a kick to his buttocks grove
She thought she had him until the loud "POP"!
And on one leg she began to hop
"MY TOE, MY TOE" she yelled in pain
Mr. McGee thought she was playing a game
But upon further investigation, he saw she was hurt
And bigger the toe grew, like a sausage about to burst
The ice and advil he did grab
To aid the Mrs and hide his laugh
"Fractured in three places" said the doc the next day
"No more kicking your husband, OK?"
"No more running, biking, or step class for awhile"
"No 5 inch heels, but an ugly boot for style."
Cry I did, and stupid I felt
Into a puddle, I began to melt
But alas, hope rose and laughter came
With jokes of how I had become lame
"I broke my foot off in your tale"
"I hobble like Quasi while getting the mail"
Lila made fun by stomping like a sumo
Who wouldn't laugh at that, do you know?
So laugh, we all have, it is pretty funny
"Never kick someone where it is not sunny"

FOOD!!!

I strapped fear to my back like a load of bricks pulled by a tether and started the race.  Hours went by where I felt strong and felt I could keep going on like this for a long while but then someone on the side lines would yell out, "I can't believe you are doing this.  You can give up if you want to."  Almost immediately my legs would grow tired, my breath would shorten, my stomach would knot and before I knew it that load of bricks would come barreling forward, slam me in the back and knock me to my knees.  It would take days sometimes for me to get up, get back in the race, and start moving again but eventually I would find the courage to do so and diligently I would strap up again only for the cycle to reoccur.  One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  I was insane and knew it but was unsure about how to change or fix it.  I specifically remember one moment where I was sitting in the living room, watching a t.v. show where one of the characters was in a mental hospital, drugged out of his mind, staring out the window because that was all he was capable of and I thought, "Wow, what I wouldn't give for that."  Giving up sounded so pleasant, more pleasant than running with this load of bricks, that was for sure.

When God told me to give up fear He wasn't saying, "I will give you the endurance you need to carry those bricks." or "I will be right here, cheering you on as you run the race with that heavy load." but rather, "Get up, start running and guess what!?!  I will carry those bricks."  WHAAAA??  Seriously?  You want to do that?  But, it's my deal, my  situation.  How about you take half and I'll take half and off I went, stupidly, thinking somehow that would work.  Again, I was insane.  Tired I grew, wearily my legs gave out and SLAM! the bricks would knock me down.  Crap, that didn't work.  "Hello, I will carry those for you.  Don't be stubborn, Joy, or a hero.  I can do this but you can not, without me carrying the load."  Alright, you asked for it.  I got up...again, left the harness attached to the bricks on the pavement and took off, full on sprint.  It has felt amazing.  I've tripped up a few times here and there but my Abba has reached out in the nick of time to keep me from falling.  One thing I have experienced during this and was unaware would occur is physical exhaustion.  Why?  What is this?  And then, this morning the Lord told me.  "You are not feeding yourself."  Ha!  Wanna bet?  I eat and eat and eat sometimes.  "Not that, silly girl."  He says with a giggle, "My food.  The Word!"  OOOhhh!!!  Seth and I read together at least three times a week and God has done amazing things through that, but I need now to add to that by feeding myself, feeding mine and His relationship, allowing Him to restore this body with the strength and endurance it needs to finish this race.

HE IS GOOD AND HIS LOVE ENDURES ALL.

Unworthy yet Worth It

The sanctuary had it's usual familiar faces spread out in the rows on this dreary Sunday morning.  The processional started the way it always does, the newest deacon to the eldest of priests with the crucifix and gospel in between but something felt different.  Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and an excitement rose in my heart, tears uncontrollable filled my eyes and the sound of angels singing rang in my ears. I stood, arms reaching up, head held high, feeling such humility.  "I have nothing to offer you, Lord.  My clothes are hand-me ups (as my sister-in-law like to call them), my hands are empty, my banking account, not so big...I am so unworthy of this place and yet you have invited me here to be with you.  How can this be?"  "I just want you, Joy." He answers.  "I want you when the sun is shining down on you, when your world is all as it should be, when things are going according to plan.  I want you in the desert place, when you are walking through the wilderness, when the darkness is closing in.  I want you to always be mine and remember me.  Remember what I have done for you, what I am doing for you now, and what I will do for you in the days to come."  Again, unworthiness all -consuming fills my heart and though people are all around, I am unaware of their presence.  I am soaking up eternity. "Look over at your husband, Joy.  See what I am doing."  Through a tear filled vision, I turn to look over at Seth and there he is, boldly standing with arms out stretched, eyes upward, singing praises to our Abba.  I am in awe.  My world is spinning, healing is happening, restoration is taking place, renewal has occurred and I am frozen in shock.  I knew the Lord was capable but I never could have imagined it happening with such amazement.  It's too much for me to soak in.  I feel like I am walking in a dream.  The closest I can equate this to is what Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, must have felt after escaping the fiery blazes with the Lord by their side.  It's just unreal.  The Father that formed me in my mother's womb has orchestrated this beautiful symphony and has chosen me...me to be witness to it.  I wanted to walk out at times.  In the midst of pain and hurt, I wanted to bolt.  I wanted to choose a different path because I was sure God screwed up somehow in placing me here and I would have missed it all.  Even now, with the memories of my thoughts about abandoning this place makes me shutter with guilt.  "How could I have been so selfish Lord?  I am so unworthy but so grateful that You did not give up on me like I wanted to on you, like I actually did at times.  Forgive me Abba.  Forgive me.  Thank you for your love, your mercy, your grace.  I love you!"  He lovingly replies, "You are worth it my dear, worth it all!"

The Lord has done great things!

I forgot the diapers

I found another interesting, oddly shaped, uniquely colored suitcase this morning on my way to the gym and guess what, it belongs to the infamous "inability baggage" riding on the carriage of fear.  It's name: BLAME -   The inability to own up to your actions.

I pulled into the parking lot very proud of how well our morning was shaping out to be.  My girls and I are finally adjusting to the time change and are beginning to make "being on time" a habit again.  As I looked around for a parking spot, there was my girlfriend waiting on me. "Awesome, she's on time too!"  Then without missing a beat in what was shaping up to be a perfect drum solo rhythm, a truck started backing out of a "rockstar" parking space.  "It just gets better and better."  I pulled in, turned off the car, looked back at my girls and it hit me...I forgot to put diapers in the diaper bag.  No worries, Wal-Greens is right next door.  I can run in and out in five minutes and we can get back to rocking this day out.  With a quick explanation to my friend who looked confused at my giving up the perfect parking spot, I was off.  I ran into the store, found the baby isle, size 3 Huggies were on sale "SWEET", got up to the register, swiped my card and...NOT APPROVED!  What?  That can't be right.  "Can I try it again?" I asked the clerk.  And so, a push of a button, another swipe and "Beep....NOT APPROVED".  "Ugh, you are kidding me."  "Can you try swiping it? Maybe something is wrong with this machine."  Ever so annoyed, the clerk did as I asked only to get the same result.  So here I was, diaperless, penniless (so it seemed) and unable to go to the gym.  It must be my husband's fault!  He has screwed up somehow and I am about to let him know just how amazingly upset I am.  I jump into the car, drive off in a rage, check my rearview mirror and then realize I have forgotten to buckle my three year old daughter in.  "GREAT!"  On top of everything, I now get the Mom of the Year Award <insert sarcastic tone here>.  After pulling over, buckling her in, I called my girlfriend to let her know I wouldn't be coming after all, hang up with her, furiously dial Seth because it was time to play the blame game.  I threw on my well fitted boxing gloves perfect for shoving my problems onto someone else and my unsuspecting husband fell victim to my rage.  He handled it like a champ, I must say and after slight investigation, I found out it was a mistake on both our parts but easily fixable.  I reached my driveway and felt horrible for what I had just done to Seth and knew an apology was in order.  It was there that God began to speak to me, teaching me yet another lesson.  For a long time, I have blamed other people for my behavior.  "If it wasn't for what they had done to me then I wouldn't be this way," my excuses would go and out of fear, I blamed.  I blamed because admitting I was wrong made me vulnerable.  I blamed because showing that I could screw up meant that my argument to be perfect was null and my point was void.  I blamed because it excused my erratic behavior and correcting it meant I could no longer hide in self pity.  I felt safe in self pity but I am now learning to feel safe in the arms of Christ thus realizing that blaming can no longer be apart of my life either.  I am to own up and weed out with a boldness that says, "I am fearing not, for He is the Lord".  Talk about spring cleaning.   I do thank you Lord for showing me once again how your love can conquer all and I do not need run to unstable structures for shelter but to your everlasting arms always.  I love you!

    

The spiritual side of Inception

*If you plan on watching Inception and haven't yet, then do so before reading this blog*

At the closing scene of the movie, Inception, my mind was racing.  I loved it and immediately God started showing me the "real" version of this movie.  When we are young innocent children, an idea or thought is planted in our little minds.  These thoughts, normally brought on by wounds, begin to take root as an absolute truth, i.e. "You are not good enough.  You are not worthy of love.  You are too much to handle.  You are only good for ______.  etc..."  and we live them out as if they are who we are.  God will try to give us a "kick" (like that shown in the movie) to pull us out of our unrealistic world but all too often we are too afraid to follow His truth.  What we normally end up doing is sabotaging any relationship we have just so we can prove that "implanted thought" right.  My theory is that the reason why we can't believe or why we choose to not believe anything other than these "thoughts" as truth is because the one who wounded us, causing these "thoughts" to appear, was a person who was suppose to love and protect us and if they didn't believe we were worth anything, why should we believe we are.  Here's the thing though, it isn't the one who wounded us that implanted the idea in our head that we thought was truth, it was the sin and we are not suppose to be looking towards man to show us our self-worth, it is God!  Satan, through sin, implanted a lie having us believe it as truth and walked away satisfied and every time Christ would try to rescue us out of this mythical world, Satan would place fear in front of us, causing us to hesitate when the "kick" came and possible causing us to loose ourselves to "limbo".  BUT if we follow the "kick", allowing Christ to rescue us out of Satan's lies, we will arrive to reality, to the truth, the actual truth, a truth even greater than the one depicted on the movie where Cobb (the main character) was able to be back with his family.  Our truth is that God loves us without agenda, without expectation, without condition.  We are not a disappointment, we are good enough, worthy enough, and why?  Because He, the creator of all things created US as well, for Himself so that we could be in relationship with Him.  Yes, sin has screwed us up and made us believe horrible things but it's time we realized the truth and no longer allow Satan to crush our true identities with his lies.

It may sound cheesy but it's true!

I sat there, waiting.  The cold air filled my lungs and escaped with a puff of visible mist.  The sky was gray, no sun in sight and a feeling of sadness weighed heavy in the atmosphere.  Though I felt confident, there was still this confusion.  I couldn't remember how I got there or how to leave.  "How did this happen?"   I looked around for familiar faces but they all seemed shaded.   Nothing seemed too threatening though and if I wasn't being threatened, I suppose I shouldn't be on guard?  I began to feel safe in this cold foreign land so I decided to stay there, right were I stood, instead of getting out like I knew I should.  Frozen but without consciousness of it, He stepped up to me.  A glare covered His face, unlike the darkness that covered the others. He was different but familiar at the same time.  His voice sent warmth and chills at the same time.  "Why are you still here?" He asked.  "I just felt like staying awhile.  I just got so tired."  "Why didn't you ask me for help?"  another question came.  "I started to like it.  No one bothers me here.  No one asks anything of me.  No one even cares that I am standing out here in the cold.  It feels safer to me."  "You took your eyes off of me and now you are stuck.  Will you let me help you find your way back home?"  He asked.  "But I've been here for so long it seems, I'm scared I will lose my way or my enemy will attack."  I answered.  Holding out His hand, he silently promised protection, all I had to do now was take it.  As soon as I did an amazing energy surged through my body, my pale skin now had a pink hugh, and without even moving one step the world around me changed.  No more sadness, no more gray clouds, it was beautiful.  Everything seemed so much clearer now.  "One more thing," He said, "There," He pointed His finger, "There is your enemy.  Now you know exactly what he looks like and should he attack, call on Me and I will defeat him for you.  All you have to do is recognize him when he comes and I will take care of the rest!"

And the Lord has done just that.  Last week was amazing.  It was the first time in a long, long time that I had consecutive days of peace.  Don't get me wrong, the enemy tried to launch fear at me any chance he could but WOW, it is so much easier to rebuke him when you recognize what he is trying to use to destroy you with and when you know you can not defeat him without the power of Christ.  Thank you Lord for this knowledge and the ability to recognize my enemy.